Elusive as ever!!

She got up slowly from her slumber and walked across the bedroom towards the window….a gust of wind…some fresh air is all that she needed to put her conflicting thoughts to ease…She glanced at her reflection in the window pane and stood staring into the eyes of the image infront of her …she peered into them hoping that she would find the answers to her confusion…but they seemed to betray her just like her heart….

She wondered…what is that she wanted…she had everything that she had ever desired for…she remembered her yearning in the past for that one place she wanted to be in…and today she was there…very much there…yet she was confused again…why…she wanted to know..could somebody anybody give her some solace …

She retraced her past again and again…hoping against hope that she would remember just one instance any one instance which could stand testimonial to the fact that the present is what she wanted and the present is what she should be in looking ahead into future and not turning back and retracing at what has passed….her mind wanted to look ahead think of future yet her heart returned to the past…her mind wanted to find a logic to draw her away from the past, term the present as advancement over the past…yet her heart didn’t seem to agree…

There was something in the past that her heart still yearned for…it seemed so ironic to her…that routine that mundane life that she always had wanted to run away from ..her heart seemed to want to go back to the very same routine life….she had thought she wanted a change…a variety…she wondered if at all she went back to that same comfort zone of hers would she again crave for that change she had yearned for then…would again life seem like a routine to her….would she be contended….or would her heart again start a new craving this time….a craving for what she had left and gone….

She looked at her image in the mirror again…And smiled to herself….thinking that the question of what if would always be there….and its only when she brings her heart and mind to explore why not that is when she will be contended probably….Happiness and contentment are much more elusive than you imagine them to be always…May be to accept that they are elusive is where lies the trick…

Love or Arranged?!!

It was a bright sunny day just about perfect for a good outing and the icing on the cake was that it was a Sunday….She not being that adventurous a person was first time set to go on one and was a little nervous…with a few inhibitions in mind she walked towards the lunch area of the pre-decided restaurant……pre-decided as the adventure was planned…a blind date…and as she was the kind who never believed that such adventures were of any good the adventure’s set out had to be planned by the common people in the game…yes a game that is what it seemed to her…an adventurous game…

Yet she tried to walk confidently not showing her nervousness….trying to camouflage her inhibitions..she had yielded in to their arguments and had decided to willingly give it a chance sportingly…and there she was dressed in white…not her favorite color but it kind of provided some solace and calmed her ….her urge to just become invisible or disappear from there….She just took a deep breathe and then her consciousness of her racing heart beat seemed to subside and she walked right over to the place he was seated….leaving the formalities to the common people…..

A round of introductions and the niceties exchanged…her eyelids however strangely seemed too heavy for her to raise and take a look at her blind date…she sat there silent her long eyelashes grazing her blushing cheeks….was she blushing….the questions seemed obscure….

What seemed like ages she sat there with her head down…a light sound playing in the background and she conscious of every little thud that her fork seemed to make on her plate…..swallowing food seemed so laborious by the minute…yet the few giggling cheerful known faces sitting close by still provided immense strength…..why had she ever yielded in to their arguments…it felt like she was paying the price to all that now…..as she was waiting for that dreadful moment when she would be left alone with her date…..how come all this sounds so romantic in movies was something that she cudn’t comprehend…

And the dreadful moment arrived…the familiar faces left and she felt as lost as a drop in the ocean…she noticed that the background track changed to her favourite score from the movie Amar Prem and just when she noticed she heard him say “Is this your favorite song?” and taken aback that she was she could only mutter a “yes”…”Even Mine” he said….And she wondered what would they converse on next..what in world they could talk about……and she awaited for that boring familiar answerless question “So, tell me something about yourself”…..but what came was “ You know once when I was on a tour sailing to one of the ports in Korea the same song was playing somewhere from one of the cabins in the ship “…..”How come? A Hindi song”…..”Yeah that’s what puzzled me so I just followed the tune and walked towards the cabin only to discover an African cleaner boy listening to the tune”…”African?”…”Yeah, when I asked him he explained that his father was an Indian and his mother an African and his father always used to play the song for his mother while cooking”…”So, did he understand the song”….”I don’t think he understood the meaning…but probably he understood the essence of the song”….”Nice”….”Have you got a chance to watch the movie”…”Yeah a very memorable and intense movie to say the least….a movie which depicts so many nuances and angles to the word so commonly quoted that is love”……”The best part that I liked in the movie was the way they portrayed the female cast…her character…the strong will power and emotions…the selflessway in which she carried out things…..”

She wondered how easily they talked….is this what is called frequency match….And he interrupted “So what was your take on the blind date thing”….”Well, frankly I was not game for it”….”Ok, taken. So, now u r cursing me for giving you a bad time or are u comfortable”…..”Oh no no ofcourse I am comfortable”…”So what makes you think a blind date is not a good idea”…”Well, I feel blind dates don’t help you know someone”….”And why is it so”…”Because one day isn’t enough to know a person”….”So a few hrs from now when we part you wouldn’t know me”…..”Ok well not as much as I would like to”…”Hmmm …so would you like some coffee”…”yeah sure”….

Coffee seemed so right for the occasion…….hot steaming coffee…just the smell of it seems to revive any discussion….And just when she thought this he said “ Yeah even I love the smell of coffee”…she smiled wondering that how easily he seems to read her mind…and she allowing him to read her mind too…she realized that she had shed her earlier inhibitions already by then…smiling, laughing, talking didn’t seem like an effort now….probably time is that’s why regarded with so much esteem…time indeed sets everything….And he smilingly said “You know what coffee reminds me of”…”College nightouts and friends hangouts”…”Yeah exactly”……”It was so much fun then…it was in college that I had my first coffee”….”Oh! I used to have coffee at home but coffe got redefined in college”…..”Yeah especially the night canteen coffee in the cold winters….we used to just take a cup each and sit on the verandah and our imaginations and discussions just soared high with every sip of the coffee”…..”Yeah big career discussion, life , partners, dreams what not we used to discuss”…”Yeah and heated masala gossips too…and cursing lectures, exams, profs…just abt anything”….”Girls love gossips isn’t it”…”Oh c’mon it’s a good source of entertainment…just like guys who like discussing abt girls bio datas all the time”…”Ha ha yeah that’s true…it sure is a good source of entertainment for guys”….

“So did you go on any coffee dates”….”I told you I don’t believe in dates”……”yeah yeah I was just kidding….”….”But its strange how books always need coffee to go with it…as in if u r studying u require coffee to keep awake and if u r reading coffee just seems the right thing to go with it”….”yeah now that u have said it even I realize…but then the purpose of the coffee here in both cases differ…one is for a boring purpose and one is to rejuvenate you”….”Ha ha yeah”……”But any day I would prefer a good novel with a coffee than a movie which come to think of it doesn’t require any coffee…even then”…..”yeah me too…especially the non-adventurous fiction books…like say the Fountainhead types just goes so well “…”yeah even I was thinking of the same book”….”Yeah it’s a great book but a little complicated to take in all at once and you require some rejuvenation in between…”….”Yeah, all Ayn Rand’s books are like that…but at the end of the book your whole perspective changes…you feel like a transformed person”……”Yeah the best way to describe her books….the complicated way in which she puts across subtle things is what is the essence of the book” …….”Yeah like the Fountain head…the essence is to just strongly believe and stick to your ideals without any regard to how others want you to be or perceive you….a simple message but put across in a maze of complicated personalities like Dominique and others…..I guess what Ayn Rand wants to put across is the most simplest things in life are the most complicated when executed and followed and are made to look unachievable by the society”……”Very well said….”…She smiled and thought to herself oh God did I get carried away and looked outside the window of the restaurant and realized that darkness had already set in….time had just flown past and she had not realized…..

He smiled again that reassuring smile and said “Yeah, even I didn’t realize the time…I think we should get going now”…….”Yeah, you have a flight to catch today isn’t it”…”Yeah, I should just make it to the airport if I leave now”…..”Yeah it will take about an hr from here”…”I got to pick up a magazine on the way too…flights are really boring…I really miss the good old train days of childhood when I could spend the entire day just looking at the scenery outside”…”Yeah travelling then meant the means and not the destination unlike these days”….”Yeah it does sound ridiculous when people say they are on a break to travel and look for flights to save on time and spend as much to see the same scenery at the end of the say which they could have very well seen on their way itself”……”Ha ha yeah I am realizing it only when you said it now”……….

“So nice to meet you then….sorry you are…” he said

And she realized for the first time in the entire conversation of the day that she never asked his name…she only knew his nick name…..and neither did he…..it struck her for the second time in the day that he was a stranger...but was he still a stranger...

….I see many people posing the question of whether its an arrange marriage or love marriage these days to others….And more so if the answer comes as arranged a dismayed look on the opposite party’s face…It really puzzles me as to why an arrange marriage is considered less adventurous or less romantic ….aren’t all arrange marriages just blind dates and love at first sights come to think of it…..so doesn’t that make it score higher…

Illusions are they....

Why is it that it is always the past which seems to be more appealing than the present. Is it because there is no uncertainty in the past….its something that you have gone over and triumphed over all the ups and downs……but wasn’t it the the very past which had always pushed us to be what we are in the present today……and will today’s present when it is past someday seem as dream like…..

When I was a kid , I remember my father had got transferred to a district and had to report immediately. I didn’t want to part from my friends…..I had settled down comfortably in the city school and a district school didn’t at all lure me…I cried helplessly when I was dragged away to the district. The first day I had stepped in the district school I was disgusted looking at the simple appearance of the school with no extra frills and no prim uniformed students walking meekly in a queue….I found utter chaos everywhere to my horror and clinged to my father denying to be part of what seemed like a rowdy like crowd….

But my woes went unheard…and all that my father said before leaving me to the mercy of these troublemakers was “wait and see your memory of this school will always stay close to your heart”….

I walked alone along the corridor leading to my class wistfully looking back at my father again and again till he disappeared around the corner and I was all alone….I muttered a silent prayer before entering the class and stepped in shivering a little in my nervousness…..and as soon as I had stepped in the class surprisingly fell silent with a single murmur passing around which sounded like “new joinee…new joinee” and after that the entire class was at the doors to welcome me…..each house (which was allotted based in the row you were seated in) wanted me to be a part of theirs….everybody wanted to know my name and my mother tongue and all other details…..I was offered every little goodie each one possessed ……I was offered notes of all the classes I had missed…..and some of the students even offered to write notes on my behalf and update me on all the classes I had missed as the exams were soon approaching…….any teacher who entered the class was importantly informed about the new joinees arrival….and even the neighbouring sections students paid a vist in the recess to gain acquaintance……such was the welcome and the days that followed just sailed past like a dream…

Little did it matter…that the students didn’t know English….discipline did exist but the fancies of a spic and span uniform with shoes to go with was not of prime concern…..a lot of creativity existed in the school and was encouraged equally…..homeworks were checked but a small mark on the cover of the notebook didn’t create a raucous….the warmth of the students seemed to override the shabby building and the broken English…..Teachers were not looked upon like Hitler’s army…and the memory of that school sure did remain very dear to my heart…..

And when I compared the royal treatment that I got here with that of the city school I was in where I had entered meekly as a mice and no one had even noticed me….some of the teachers even had not noticed that there was a new face in the class…when I asked for notes of classes that I had missed to the students around me I was ridiculed…..my heavily accented broken English was a source of entertainment to the teachers and students…I still remember the teacher who knew that I felt embarrassed because of the constant giggles when I spoke in English and she always loved to make me read lessons to the class and become a mockery….spic and span uniforms, neatly covered books, huge playground and freshly painted building…..but it missed the charm of the district school….no human warmth……

Now, why I got reminded of this today is because of an incident that happened in the train today. A girl standing near me was complaining to her friend about her IT job and how she detests it but for the friends she had made in her job….and that’s why she wanted to pursue higher studies and go another college experience and a better job….a better job meaning higher bucks, more responsibility and less of every other thing which seem significant only when they aren’t there any longer…

And it just made me think frills and fancies lure us so much that we always seem to want to leave the warmth of our present and follow them but little do we realize that when at leisure we ponder its only that past which was simple and dull that it had seemed then is what forms our memory….but alas its too late now to return…..because a better tomm is as much uncertain as the certain good yesterday….present is just a shuttle between the two….pondering on one and unable to compromise with the other….

HFD

Aug,1^st, 2010

Guys,

Happy Friendship's Day :)!!

For K please someone send some "cute" pupies, flowers, plants anything from my side...A plz do the honors

To R and P each one please contribute INR 1 as they are in need of funds desparately due to negative balance in their salary accounts

To S each one please send a mail with content written as "S Reply to the group Now" in huge black 32 size font all caps

To SV, SP, N and M each one send a flower for their computers to rest in peace (which have long passed away due to overwork)

And to me each one send a nice reply and a hug :)

Friendship’s Day….Every year this day comes it always takes me back in memory to the day when as a kid we had first discovered that such a day existed…..so excited we were that we decided to make handmade gifts for each other…..it was all NS’s idea and we were just too excited to implement it…although it wasn’t exactly a surprise gift with the recipient completely aware that he/she would be receiving a gift but the content of the gift was supposed to be a secret….the enthusiasm and efforts that each of us had put in to make those lovely gifts was greeted with equal enthusiasm by the recipient in guessing them and opening them…that had been celebration of my first Friendship’s Day two decades ago…..

As days passed the importance of this day had only slowly faded with time …hand made gifts were replaced with readymade friendship bands and redymade tit bits….neverthless there was still a day to celebrate…remember your friends…contact them and be glad to hear to their happy voices and wishes on this day….those were the good old days of graduation

When my friends and I had joined our first job the day was greeted with wishes being SMSed and mailed to each other….a convenient and shortcut way adopted but nevertheless again it did bring a smile on your face to see a nicely typed or an emotions filled message in your inbox right on the first Sunday of the August month..

Then came the days of Orkut when an application made life even easier…at one click the message of Happy friendship’s Day could be posted on all the scrapbooks of the friends added in your profile…

Today, in 2010 about 20 years later from the day I first had known and celebrated this day …..life has become even easier as I see the status messages of all profiles on facebook having the message ‘HFD’…..

And today as I retrace my memory and smile remembering all those friendship days that had passed I only smile thinking what if my mail had not brought back any replies atleast maybe I can rejoice and be satisfied by telling myself it probably brought a smile on all those faces who decided not to shift delete my mail without reading it as it wasn’t any critical official mail……

Probably a day will come next when there will be an application which by itself will send messages or change the status of your online profiles when such days arrive and on b’days, festivals etc..life would become even more easier…….or is such an application already there and I am not aware….otherwise may be someone can take this as a new cool networking business proposition and make money out of it …….or probably I too will resort to the easier way of just putting the three letters ‘HFD’ on my facebook profile and save myself from bringing frowns on all those faces who cursed me for cluttering their inboxes…..

(I know you must be nodding your head at me after reading this post and thinking ‘grow up my dear…grow up’…well! I can’t agree with you less…I have also been telling myself the same thing all this while)

Always the same

Over the last one month I have been reading a lot…it feels great to be back to my good old hobby of reading I must admit. And each of the books that I read were like gems in themselves. I started off with Ayn Rand’s Fountainhead and then went on to Harry potter book 5 i.e The Deathly Hallows and then read Cane and Abel by Jeffrey Archer and finally I am just done with Leap of Faith by Danielle Steel…Four different books…with distinct themes…and four different experiences altogether….

Especially the book ‘Leap of Faith’ which discusses about a little girl’s family home in great detail just somehow took me to my childhood days when my cousins and I used to spend our summer holidays together in my maternal grandmother’s house…..My father being in a job with frequent transfer orders the only home that in true terms I can recall as a family home for me has been my grandparents place which always takes me to those childhood memories whenever I visit the place….and just as the book describes I am not sure it is really so or if it just appears to us as such because our memory of the place is so strong that even after so many years when I pay a visit to my grandparents the house still appears to be just the same..And I can still visualize all of us running around in the corridors bringing the whole house down with the racquet created by us…..with spankings from our mothers…and our grandmother protecting us always being on our side…all the delicacies prepared by my grandmother being equally distributed among us kids to the very last bite otherwise the raucous that we created…the innumerable weddings that had taken place in that house and it had meant as many rasgullas and sweets as our hearts pleased for all we kids…..with us feeding every single bit of paper found in the house to the domesticated cattle through the window railings…..the garden by the house that seemed like waiting for us kids to trample down it every summer and weed out every possible plant most religiously and get spanked which didn’t seem to matter after the triumph of our achievement…..And my sweet grandmother as always greeting us sitting on that very window looking onto the road awaiting earnestly for our arrival with the aroma of all the delicacies cooked all over the place that unfailingly invite you right near the cranky gate….

Some places just seem to never get old enough to be trampled by time in your memory and each time you visit them the place along the memories only seem to renew and one such place that the book talks just makes you think of one such place as this. I wonder if our kids will ever have such a place that can form their memory which is permanent and not changing and just stays intact with time in this everchanging world in this era…

Jai Ho!!

I read this article the first time without any association…the second time I read I thot c’mon don’t be a snob …and the third time I read it..I was like..yeah if not all perhaps I too agree to most of it..

Its true that how much ever we claim to be patriotic and feel for our country we do feel impatient and irritated when we are asked forcibly to stand for the national anthem before every movie that we go to see…so much so that I have seen people and I for that matter have felt relieved umpteen no. of times when we reach for a movie late and discover that all that singing and standing drama is over..

Me and my husband happened to go to a restaurant yesterday to celebrate our second wedding anniversary…no sooner had we finished our soup and starters that a huge group entered the restaurant celebrating the birthday of an aged person…and the birthday celebration instead of being in honor of the person in question was a kind of promotion for some trust …speeches about life, religion, country, blessings of God on the trust and so on….our perfect dinner didn’t seem any more perfect now…instead of enjoying the food we wanted to just gulp down something and escape from all those speeches…And to come to think of it had we stood up and opposed to the noise we would have been beaten up black and blue not only by the people from the trust but may be even by the public for interfering with a sacred function like that in praise for our country, religion and what not…..

But it makes me ponder…if people have so much time and patience to attend such gathering or sit through such speeches and promotions in the corner of a restaurant and not oppose for being disturbed how come all this patience disappears when they are driving on the roads or boarding local trains for that matter. If you choose to drive by the highway from Navi Mumbai to Mumbai Suburbs in the night…definition of night starting from say 9 P.M or so…you definitely skip one or two heart beats hoping to reach home in one piece…the vehicles just zoom past in zig zag ways with no signal whatsoever…nobody even casts so much as a glance at the traffic signal forget about following it…and the worst being that even if you intend to follow the traffic signal you are forced to move ahead due to blaring honks at you for not moving on…Sometimes you even wonder if by any chance you are invisible to other people driving past you conveniently without taking any notice…totally oblivious…I understand if someone tells me that they are selfish..they don’t care for others…but I fail to understand…the least one can and should do is care for his/her own life…and how is that not happening..

Service rules…I thot of writing an entire post on it someday..I don’t understand when an Airtel/Vodafone sales executive asks me with utmost surprise “How is it possible ma’am…someone should be at your house on a working day…How can no one be at home”…And with even more surprise “How can you not have a middle name”…I don’t understand how the same stringent rules keep sending you bills and don’t disconnect your connection if your address verification has failed…and how do people who just give their friends addresses or are kept in their company hotels get their residence address and everything verified and get away with things so easily….And I better not get into the way passports and driving licenses are made….The worst was when my mother had to make her passport…she is a housewife and in those days marriages were not followed by marriage certificates and no she didn’t have a driving license or a ration card in her name….so all rules imply that she can’t have a passport…unless some bribery is paid to avoid all these questions which lead to one another without having any solution..

And there is more….the eve-teasing, the rude way in which people behave, the bloated egos everywhere…..can we blame it all on education…even if we do…then how come education in India is not anywhere near any kind of development except for the quota issues and issues and debates on building more IITs and IIMs….but the question remains…we may build more institutions…we may have more reservations for every caste, creed, gender….but what will it all come to when the sole imparters of education are frustrated beings targeting their frustration at the students ….all those who have gone for higher education in India will definitely agree that those two/one year of PG had been a torture and nothing else…..and all those who had been preys to the various universities for their graduation not being able to get some good pvt institutions or the IITs and escape the torture…especially those who didn’t want to do engg and MBA and follow the Bandwagon and had different career interests…my salute to them…(more here , a blog post by someone who was a prey) …In most of Indian institutions more than half the professors are uninterested souls who could do nothing better and landed up in the field of education for a steady income…the rest are those who consider being in the profession of education as a fixed income source and all their attention is how to bag bigger bucks through consultancies…..just a handful of them are those who are wholly and solely dedicated to the field and the entire country is thriving on that handful……It could be because education is a field claimed to be the most important and at the same time the least paid…..hence the least sought for Job in our country…..

So, does the blame shift to politicians then….or the bureaucrats ….aren’t they just people like us…from our community…they are bestowed with some power which they misuse and so do we…How can we blame only them when starting from a pan wala… reducing the content of the packets and selling things in loose as well as selling the original packet at the same price, to big business tycoons…. playing around with their financials cheating on the shareholders,to students in colleges…. copying in exams , plagiarism and buying degrees, to employees who stealthily make use of company resources to make free STD/ISD calls all misuse their power to the extent they can…and everybody thumps their chest and raise their hands when songs like “Jai Ho” play…and also go to the extent of creating a hue and row over as to why did the movie Slumdog Millionaire show India in such a degraded form ….

So no use blaming…no use complaining about people spitting, passing urine and littering the place because even you have thrown wrappers and papers umpteen no. of times outside on to the roads from your window because you didn’t want to litter the car…No use blaming the person standing next to you for disturbing you talking loudly about his her pvt life on the mobile phone because even you too do the same may be without even realizing whom you are disturbing..

No wonder…the few individuals who cudn’t take it any more decided to leave to other countries and ofcourse there are those who escaped the torture to pursue their career in other countries and started calling themselves foreigners referring to Indians as “you Indians” instead of “we” and bloating their egos further for earning in foreign currency…upholding India…upholding that very rotten attitude because of which we are in this state….the self pride and false ego… which all of us are probably moulded to develop here taking us and our country only to its peril…Yes, all of us have bloated egos…each one to a varying extent…that’s why we see scenes like some customer shouting on the top of their voices…ill-treating… infront of everyone at the waiters, servants, airhostesses, receptionists, subordinates …anybody and everybody who come below them in the economic hierarchy with or without there being a fault in the first place….that feeling of power kind of gives us an empowerment which we need from time to time to feed our ego so as to be able to take the blow from our superiors…and the irony is everyone keeps complaining “Nothing can happen in India without yelling”!!

All this only implies…we need a change…a huge change…change in the attitude of people…because although the economy of our country might be in the developing state we the people are still in the under developed state….And for the country to get into a developed state the people first have to go to that stage……and that will take ages …may be a lot more generations to come ….to see India develop in the true sense someday when people really and truly are happy standing for their patriotic national anthem playing before them…otherwise India will reduce to the state of villages…just like people had migrated from villages to cities in search of a better life everybody will migrate outside the country to live a better life and give an easier life to their children…

The Sea....

It being just the start of the week…and work coming to a drag…me being trapped in the four walls of a huge hall with a miniscule cubicle for myself on the 18^th floor of a brick and mortar cement sky scrapper….I cast a melancholy glance at the sea giving up on it being another overloaded work day…. As I look at the endless sea stretching to an unknown boundless end to infinity…as far as my eyes carry me…when I look out of the window of my office cubicle…I see…

A 15 yrs old boy with a boat in one hand and a fishing net in other…walking towards the sea in the heavy rain….He looks at the sea and waits for a second to catch his breath and then looks towards the sky…his eyes wistful…looking at the vast black threatening clouds looking down towards him challenging him on his expedition with his life on bet…He raises his hand as if to signal to the clouds that he accepts the challenge or may be calling on to the mercy of the Gods for the day….and thrusts his boat into the water….

The sea seems to imbibe in him a new sense of hope…… and happiness to be engulfed by that very sense of hope which seem to flow towards him just like the ripples coming in the form of waves…flowing towards the shore….He steps into the boat with the net in one hand and starts rowing into the sea…..a heavy ghust of wind with full fury sweeps his fishing net past the boat…but he still clings on to the net as if he is clinging on to the only morsel of food of the day….The gigantic waves of the sea rock his boat dangerously…yet he continues his fishing unperturbed ….his face holding a grave expression just like the sea…his body wet with the garrulous rain…yet he seems to be determined and very casual as if it was just another day…Hrs go by and every time my gaze goes towards the sea I cast my eyes on his thin body laboriously fighting against the tides….. As the day progresses I see many more young boys of his age occupied with the same task as different points in the sea…and of all them seem to be chatting gleefully waving towards each other…blissfully oblivious of the heavy downpour...or the high tides…

As dusk sets in and I cast another look at the sea sipping coffee I find them all heading towards the shore…maneuvering their boats towards the shore…helping each other…smiling…tired but happy wither their bounty for the day…and my eyes search for the 15yr old boy…his body again running past up and down the rocky bank of the sea pulling each and every boat onto the bank…after ushering everyone to the rocks on the bank and anchoring the boats I see all of them gather by a huge rock…and the boys collecting something from the unmistakable 15 yr old boy…which seems like they distributing the bounty among themselves so that each one gets his morsel for the day…..

I finish my coffee and look ashamed at my reflection on my computer’s screen and rebuke myself for being so thankless and taking things that have been gifted by luck and fate to me for granted…

Just like the gleaming eyes of the boy who is now standing near the shore probably wishing hard that the next wave is big enough to flow over the rocks and come till the point where he is standing waiting for the waves to touch him…and his excitement and longing growing with every wave that touches him…I perceive life which we all anticipate would fulfill our yearnings with growing needs and expectations each time the waves of life touch us…..

And just like the boy who is not dismayed and doesn’t give up when a wave narrowly misses to hit the rocks and wash his feet….and is still looking towards the sea with full of optimism and hope…..I feel that we all can still strive to be happy…....boundlessly…just like the sea which seems to know no bounds…unperturbed by the innumerous ripples that keep rising and falling ..one after the other…repeatedly…As the boy still stands calmly…undisturbed..and still serene …the ripples only magnifying his inner strength ….

And That Makes Your Day :)....

A call right in the morning from home from your father just to hear to your voice before the start of the day...

A mail in your inbox from your best friend saying “Grrrrrrrrrrrrr....MAILLLLLL”

A nice cup of hot creamy coffee served by the office boy with a smile telling “Ma’am aapke liye aaj special coffee”

A small little unexpected hug by a cute little girl rushing to her school colliding into your legs all of a sudden

An elderly aunty whom you have offered place to sit asking you in the local train “Beta aapka naam kya hai...aap bilkul meri poti (granddaughter) ki tarah dikhti ho”

A taxi driver in the morning assuring you by telling “arey madam bilkul mat pareshaan hoyiye...hum aapko 9 ‘0 clock local aane se pehle traffic se nikal lenge”

Just in time to glance at the morning arati while heading towards the gate to catch the taxi...

A toothless smile from a baby while you are stuck in the traffic

And a mail from Blogbharati stating that “we would love to accept your application and welcome you as our new contributor in our team” :) :)

Did we hear India is going to be a superpower soon….

You are hurrying in the morning to catch the taxi parked infront of your building to the station when someone decides to give you an instant shower with leftover water in their mugs being used to water the plants in their balcony ….which they ofcourse found was convenient enough to be thrown out of the balcony than take the pain of walking down till the sink in their kitchens and disposing it off…

You barely make it to the station and are scurrying for the local when a lady decides to conveniently spit on you instead of the spit bin just about few steps away from her…

You reach the platform and clean urself with the little water that you carried for yourself to drink in the 1 hr long journey in the humidity of Mumbai to your office and wait for the train trying to get over your disgust when you see a man relieving himself standing in the public platform…infront of the entire world of people there…right onto the railway tracks…inspite of the public bathrooms put up on every platform of the station..

You finally see the train arrive …and to ur utter disbelief you see that the ladies compartment has a lot of sitting space available with just five ladies standing…without stopping to think as to why these ladies have opted to stand inspite of so much room available..you barge into the compartment only to realize some sacred soul had considered of all places on earth the ladies compartment auspicious enough to bless it with his holy shit…

So, finally it dawns upon you as to why those ladies preferred to stand instead and choose a safe place for urself far enough to block the sight of the sacred blessing….and just when you are trying to distract urself …suddenly a heap of thrash is thrown in from nowhere into the compartment ..which is because someone living in the slums situated directly over the hollow bridge through which the local train passes is letting out his frustration of having to accommodated a screeching train every half an hr right through his home…and decides to avenge by atleast throwing garbage at it daily when it passes by…and so the rest of the journey passes by by hearing to a tragedy queen's tragic life as background music .....non-stop right into ur ear....but ofcourse on her very personal mobile ph.....

So, did we hear India was soon to be a superpower….well, I want to know who is that super optimistic soul who thinks so…and want to bow before him and salute his optimism…

On Humanity Grounds……

The other day a very interesting incident occurred which left me with a smile when I was boarding the 6:15 P.M local on the way to my house. I have been smiling at the thought of that incident ever since it has occurred so I thought I might as well post about it…

It was the usual rush at CST…the regular hustle bustle and the regular feeling of asking the question to yourself “By any chance does the whole of the population of India reside on this platform”…anyway, after the usual pulling, pushing and tugging I reached the platform for the harbor line train…..Now, after a lot many life threatening incidents that I have happened to experience previously I have made a policy to stand as much away from the platform rail line on which the train is announced to arrive shortly rather than do the opposite as per the usual junta’s policy…so like every day I stood as much away as I could so as to not fall prey to the rushing of people for the other train due to arrive on the adjacent platform…And as usual the train arrived and before it could halt there was the usual scurrying of the ladies and girls and the usual pushing, pulling, screaming , wrestling etc for the ladies compartment…

Now on that day it so happened that in the usual struggle to get into the train first so as to occupy a seat a young girl who seemed like a college going girl in her early twenties happened to be fast enough to push through the crowd and hold the railing of the moving train just before it halted…trying to board it…in that very moment a lady who seemed to be in her early fifties happened to grab this young girl by the collar of her t-shirt and pulled her back to the station platform and tried to get past her….now by the time anyone of them could succeed the rest of the ladies crowd happened to get near the train and in the maze it so happened that that young girl although a little taken aback managed to get through the crowd and got a seat for herself whereas the lady although ahead was a little too slow to defeat the crowd…

Once everybody settled comfortably in the train…some having accomplished their desire of attaining a place and some having failed miserably with a frown on their faces…a few other give ups like me walked into the train and leisurely stood at a chosen comfortable place…now , it was the young girl’s turn to take her revenge and satisfy her ego so she addressed the lady who had pulled her back by her collar who was standing rt beside her clutching to a handle…and the conversation was as follows :

Girl : Hey you

Lady : Yes?

Girl : Aapne mujhe dhakka kyun diya

Lady : For the same reason why you pushed everyone and were standing ahead of the crowd

Girl : Sorry!!??....For what reason?

Lady : Simple, because even I needed a seat in the train

Girl : Oh, is it so?! So, u thot u could push me past without caring if I would fall off the platform onto the track…what if I were your daughter would u have still done the same?…Even on humanity grounds?

Lady : No, I wouldn’t have…because if you were my daughter you wouldn’t have kept sitting while you see your mother who is double ur age stand for 1 hr for the whole way…on humanity grounds…

Girl : Neither would my mother have pushed me off the platform and left me to die under the rail tracks…valuing her comfort more than anyone’s life..

And the conversation ended there. …The girl continued to sit though and the lady stood all the way…with a safe conclusion that Humanity word has ceased to exist…..and it looks like everyone is aware of its non-existence as well…

Not an Idealist….But The Very Imperfect Her…

These days when I come back from office and reach home after an hr of hectic (or do I call it adventurous just to motivate myself) travelling and open the door to an empty flat with a sofa set and a dining table in the hall to greet me…I have this urge for some/any human voice to be heard in the empty flat…and so after freshening up myself I invariably switch on the TV but only to my dismay….and I am really amused I must say by these serials which keep coming on every channel now a days…

I mean you switch on the TV and you start browsing for something worthy to watch…and in that little amount of time you spend in browsing or waiting for the advertisements to get over so as to discover which movie is being screened in that particular channel you end up knowing what is happening in which “saans bahu “ serial…..First of all I wonder whom are these serials being screened for…does anyone actually have the time and patience to watch them…even the housewives I don’t think should be watching them out of interest…may be out of sheer frustration as nothing apart from the serials seem to be screened on any of the channels…..and the most atrocious thing being that even news channels have started with giving updates on these serials…as if the trailers being screened 24/7 on every channel were not enough to feed us with enough unwanted updates……

Now the other thing that amuses me is…even if you give up in frustration and as I said just for some human voice to be heard in the house which is not speaking of bomb blasts and train derailments or cricket debacles even if u decide to put up with some nonsensical serial…what you end up watching is an adarsh sanskari bahu….respecting elders…respecting values and culture…who knows in and out of Bhagwadgita and can recite the same at the drop of the hat….who is next only to nightingale in singing bhajans..who by the way knows singing….and cooks finger licking food to everyone’s liking…remembering everyones tastes …who plans for b’days and weddings and all kinds of functions beforehand with a Giga Byte sized memory card fit in her head to remember all the dates…who is the favorite of the entire khandan kaka, mama, dada,dadi,fufa etc etc……who knows what sasu ma’s behen ki nanad ki bhanje ki beti likes and gifts it to her on the appropriate occasion…..whose only aim and ambition in life is everyone in the family adores her and stays tied up she being the glue attaching the family threads together….who is ready to hear and empathize with anyone in trouble in the family and give them moral support as and when needed…who is the perfect ardhangini to her husband whatever comes by……and a never ending list of virtues goes on which would define and re-define her as a complete devi…..

What are these people trying to picturize….I mean why can’t they show a bahu who is more human like and less of the divine natured that they screen…..who doesn’t have time to keep her house spotlessly clean and can manage to clean to livable standards only in the weekends….who doesn’t know how to cook and manages and struggles to make something edible for the day following and writing down instructions dictated by her mother on the phone…..whose day starts with burning bread for her husband…thrusting it on his plate and forgetting to put jam and requesting him to do so himself and trying to get ready to catch the overcrowded public transport available and be on time to her office…whose day goes with solving client issues, issuing reports, analyzing, hearing unsatisfactory remarks from her boss and returns home trying hard to get some place to stand in the public transport again…..whose patience level has reduced to zero by the time she reaches home and she tries hard to remember what she had to buy for grocery…..who struggles to open the door with grocery in both the hands and drops half the things and spends the next half hr cleaning and cursing herself…..who returns to a half clean home which looks clean only on the surface as its middle of the week and still there are three more days to go for the grand cleaning ceremony to happen on the weekend…..who wonders if she has the energy to cook tonight or should she order something from the canteen…..who assigns the task of cutting vegetables to her husband and tries to cook something edible again….whose patience level reduces to –ve when she sees the tray with cut vegetables and the entire area dirty around it with vegetable skin…..who takes out her frustration aloud which fall on deaf ears while cleaning the place….who has no more energy left to respond nicely and sweetly to anyone’s call or remember anyone’s b’day or anniversary or wish anyone even when her mother/mother in law calls up to remind her of so and so’s special day…..she is a person who prefers not to answer to her parents/in-laws questions like “Do you take a bath everyday in the evening and do puja”…”Do u light agarbattis when you go out of home in the morning”…”Have you cleaned the bathroom wall tiles also while cleaning the floor”…”Why don’t u just boil milk daily and have a cup in the morning before you leave for office”…..”Its ok if you cannot cook non-veg during the week…just daal, roti and a simple aloo baingan curry should do…with an omlete to go with it”….”Are u both having enough fruits after food daily…u must get fruits and have”….”why are u having just chowmien for dinner today……u should have cooked something which is food and not snacks for dinner”…..”What? u are having bread everyday for breakfast….you can prepare parathas no…just make all the preparations in the night itself…it hardly takes anytime”…..”You must attend so and so’s function you know….family relations need to be maintained”…..”Iron the dresses as soon as they are washed and dried…it will be good for you”..”Do u face east and do puja or not”…..”why can’t u come early from office so that u can keep a maid to come and do the chores in the evenings”…etc etc…..she is a person who values her career as much she values her family and struggles to strike a balance to the bare minimum extent required…..She doesn’t mind at times giving some extra time to her career which she had dreamt of and struggled to build from childhood…she has no time or energy for values, traditions, culture, Bhagwadgitas , pujas, wishings, superstitions etc…..she is a person who does get frustrated and very well vents it out too……she does lose her patience and cannot empathize with others woes….She does voice her opinion when there is or isn’t any need……She is selfish enough and needs appreciation, looks for people to value her efforts, comfort her, support her and listen to her from time to time frequently ……..She has full right to be childish and intolerable with certain things…….

And this is the real everyday women I am talking of……who is an imperfect bahu, an imperfect wife, an imperfect employee, an imperfect daughter etc…. an imperfect her….as she is playing these roles in real in an imperfect life and not on reel…She is the one who is normal, human and very much larger than life unlike those maniacs which the TV serials keep casting day in and day out only to create a false image of the women as a devi in a very wrong way……which only causes people to believe that girls can be such idealists which their daughters and daughter in laws and wives and sisters are not……I think these mahila mandals if they want to do any good to the society the first thing they should do is ban these serials..

Society it is.......

I remember my husband asking me “So what kind of an apartment should we look for “ and me answering instantaneously “A society kind…with lots of buildings…lots of people in one compound…only then we will not feel lonely in a city with no relatives…and probably make some frens too…it’s a society afterall”…..and so we did search for such an apartment and I was almost elated when we found one too and thanked God profusely……

Just abt 15 days after we shifted …..one day an elderly person comes to our flat and very nicely greets me and says “ Hi, could I go to ur kitchen”….Me surprised “Sure Sir”…..He inspects the kitchen for a while and says “This Aquaguard is urs na…when you fixed it did u fix this tap attachment also”…. More confusion from my side “ No sir…this was provided by the owner”….”Aaaah, no no my dear its not provided by the owner…its mine actually…I forgot to take it when I sold this apartment to ur current owner….you will have to detach that part and return it to me…and replace it with ur attachment”….Me baffled “But sir we have left our tap attachment in our old house which will take like two hrs to go from here”…..”Yeah so go and get it….take ur time…but I need my tap attachment”…..Me almost giving up “ Ok sir I ll see what can be done”…..”And yeah next time I come plz empty the letter box also and give me my letters….hope I didn’t cause much trouble…I am coming all the way from Chembur by taxi in this humid climate u know…” ….Me wondering after he left isn’t the fare by taxi from Chembur more than the price of the tap attachment which must hardly be 150 Rs or so…

Now, with less than a month in our new apartment…right in the morning when we are hurrying to go to office…..we suddenly are greeted by a dark, middle aged person…those typical owner of a clothes shop kinds..with a paunch…and a thick unmistakenably south Indian moustache…..”aa gaye aap”….which obviously got a surprised look on our faces for an answer as we didn’t expect someone waiting so desperately for us right in the morning…..” Main tumhara hi intezaar kar raha tha….tumne mera bike giraya hai…two times”……more surprised looks from us….”mereko bahut kharcha hua….aao dekho…mera handle toot gaya…mera bahut nuksaan hua…450 Rs. Ek baar ka”…….after abt 15 min of ranting from his side we were still clueless….then finally I said “Sir, shayad aapko galat femi huyi hai…its not us….kisi aur ne shayad galti se gira diya hoga…”…..obviously he wasn’t convinced…and instead said “ nahi tumhi ne giraya hai….madam mujhe paise dena hi hoga…aisa nahi chalega…teen baar gira mera bike”…..me more confused now how did it become three from two times….

Anyways, finally after a lot of convincing and ranting from both parties we came to a conclusion based on mutual understanding that lets exchange the parking lots then…may be that way he will be atleast convinced that we aren’t the culprits and he will also be happy with a closed parking exchange for an open parking space……

Night 11 ‘o clock on the same day we get a call on our intercom…again we both surprised as to why has someone chosen such an auspicious time to call…what could be the urgency…..and what follows is :

Caller : (A Female…please pardon me for not referring to her as lady) Are u C-512

S : Yes Ma’am

Caller : Take out ur car rt now from that parking space

S : Huh, Sorry Ma’am…I didn’t get u

Caller : I said take out ur car rt now and park it elsewhere

S : But ma’am could you kindly tell me what’s the problem

Caller : I can’t reverse my car

S : But ma’am I think there is enough space…aa…I think u can try to (Interrupted)

Caller : See let me clarify once again…I leave at 7 in the morning…my office is in Colaba…now if I reverse my car to left…which is easier for me…and which I have been doing till date…I can catch the direct route to the exit gate…now if you place ur car there I have to either spend time in reversing and be careful so as to not damage ur car…or take towards right…which is inconvenient for me as then I have to circle the entire building and spend 5 whole min to reach the exit gate….also u better know that my next neighbor is from Shiv Sena…and you better be thankful that I haven’t yet complained to the society incharge…did you understand the issue now…

S : OK ma’am now I got it…As the parking space is actually Mr. G’s who asked us to park our car there as he had some issues could I please request you to speak to him ma’am and settle the issue and let us know as we have no problem wherever anyone of you asks us to park our car…

Caller : No, why should I…you ask him to talk to me then…click (Line goes dead)

S called up G

G : (after hearing to the issue) kya bol rahi hai woh….agar meri gaadi hoti toh…do mujhe uska no.

S : Ok sir plz sort it among urselves and let us know

G : Thik hai…pehle tum no. do

After about half an hr call from G on the intercom

G : Suno tum gaadi udhar hi rakho…karne do usko complain…main bhi dekhta hoon kya kar legi who..

S : OK sir as you wish…I leave it to u both…Gudnite

So, society it is….I wonder when I see the slums that I pass by daily while going to the station everyday in the morning…people there are supposedly uneducated, less civil…and they seem to be living so amiably in that small hut shaped…constrained space…cooperating with each other…smiling and laughing around giggling away …everyday in the morning…..even if we assume that they too have such issues and quarrels…well then how different are we educated people living in a so called premium society from them anyway? If we are compared on the basis of tolerance level, patience, cooperation and other such parameters I won’t be surprised if our so called premium well educated society people will be beaten by the poor slum guys…

Mumbaikar Am I....

I remember the day when I had arrived in Mumbai and my husband had warned me that this city is going to be really tough…it’s a harsh city and to live here and survive here I need to make myself really strong and be prepared to work really hard…many of my friends had sympathized with me for having to leave Hyderabad and move to Mumbai and even thanked God for they being bestowed with some extra luck for not having to do so…Even the interviewers who had come to the campus to interview had said Mumbai is going to be tough do you think you can handle things there and manage …

And after all the scary stuff that I heard from everyone around me I am here now in Mumbai…trying to manage…trying to get into overly crowded trains and pray to God that everyone stays civil and do not push me overboard….Walking in and walking out of the very station where there had been a terrorist shoot out less than a year back without even having the time to think that such a ghastly incident had occurred only some time back….maneuvering and making my way through the crowd and through the stations where people seem to be running for their lives always in as much hurry….waiting for my turn to come while waiting in unending queues for buses and for that matter even the lift to go to my office which is on the 18th floor…..struggling with water scarcity even during the office hrs…..walking fully drenched in sweat on the roads searching for the bus and trains going in my route…waiting for lunch in a queue and finding a place to stand and gobble down some food……Walking down the slums teeming with people to my building ….

And I am still alive…surviving…and above all somehow I still like this place. Life no doubt is a struggle here…struggle for everyone….just as everyone had warned me and scared me…all that what they had said is true…but I don’t know why…Mumbai still feels like a home to me…

The basic reason why I guess I can’t develop hatred for this place is that life for everyone here is the same…ofcourse leaving out the extremely rich people who can afford some luxury out of this city everyone else has the same routine and the same lifestyle atleast in terms of the struggle without any discrimination whatsoever…and everyone knows that time and space are two invaluable things here and to survive here there is no escape but to work hard…and the best part is everybody even for that matter empathize with one another and try to help each other as much as they can….thus there is always a sense of security that you feel here…you know you can always go and ask for help if needed and you will even find help…..Its an accommodating city inspite of being overcrowded …probably that’s what they call is the spirit of Mumbai…

I also love the ‘never say die’ attitude of the people here…by being with them you are bound to develop umpteen amount of confidence in yourself without fail….and to top everything the best part of this city is its never late in Mumbai…it’s a city that wakes up and comes to life in the night….inspite of the struggle that people experience and go through in the day people in the evenings pull up themselves to make the city alive and lively….the sight of the city in the night …the very feel of it makes you feel revived and rejuvenates you in an unexplainable way…

The feeling of becoming a Mumbaikar so far has been quite appealing…may be it takes a lot of inner strength to maintain your poise here inspite of the hard life this city imposes on you but nevertheless probably every Mumbaikar is in love with the city in some or the other way….just that some acknowledge and some don’t acknowledge the fact…

Experiencing Independence.....

As the title of the post goes its like since the last one month I have been actually experiencing life in its true form ....Independence as the word goes I had never experienced it in its full form...Now when I understand what it actually means it seems as if the word Independence is too small for what it actually is....

When all of a sudden the task of finding a house, transferring your luggage all by yourself...cleaning, packing, unpacking, arranging and the numerous trips you make to do so...Rental agreement registration,Cable connection, TV installation, Washing Machine Installation, gas connection, Aquaguard, Newspaper, electricity bills, carpenter.....vegetables and other basic shopping ...its an unending list....All these things and many more which seemed so very trivial to us when we were in the comfort of our homes where parents used to take care of all these...they seemed so very trivial that I even failed to notice that so many things had to be taken care of and had to be thought about to set up a home.....It was like by the time we used to get back from school or office everything would be set at home and we never even bothered to think beyond it...

I remember when I was a kid and my mother would at times get irritated with the day’s work and shout at my brother and me when we would dirty the house...she would say that we don’t realize the value of what she was doing and one day when we would become independent and we are on our own we would understand ... I used to wonder then that why does she always stress so much on cleanliness and stuff when she herself says that none of us in the house values her doing so...and she had always retorted saying we will understand it by ourselves later .........And true to what she had said then today when I see myself so hell bent on cleanliness and putting stuff in their right places I realize....

When you try building a home right from scratch.....cleaning the entire apartment by urself...where even the color of the curtains are chosen by you and even the doormats are picked by you as per ur choice at the supermarket...it feels like you are nurturing something of your very own...you like each and every corner of the home to feel nice and warm....you feel dirty if the house is in a mess...you would like to enter your home and feel its fragrance fresh and scintillating....you would like to make it most comfortable for others...you feel the value of your effort when they entire tired and worn out into the house and you see a sense of relief in their eyes...when you sense the comfort that they experience as soon as they enter.........

But nevertheless it isn’t an easy job...setting a home, cooking, cleaning and working in a job...all at the same time. Everybody has been advising me to keep a maid to take care of the cleaning and cooking part ....and I know its sheer madness when I say I like to do things by myself....although I don’t claim that I will always do things by myself and I will never let a maid enter my home...I don’t say that but as long as I can manage and do things by myself I would love to do so....it somehow gives me a certain amount of pleasure and fulfilment in doing things myself.....especially cooking...I know I am still learning but I love to see everyone relishing something that I prepare from scratch....I love the praise I receive and at the same time I also love the consoling that I get when I burn a dish and we have no other go but to have that........

The feeling of Independence is too overwhelming for now to let it go so easily and let some outsider intrude into my privacy.....especially in those few hrs that I get to spend at home....

Home...

Home – the word itself sounds so soothing….how many times in the day I think of you….when I am having a tough time meeting deadlines…when I am exhausted and just want to relax…when I feel frustrated for no good reason and just want to run away somewhere…when I am down and out…when it’s a celebration with family…after a long tiring journey….how many times I yearn to get back to that place called home…

The one and only place which is truly relaxing…where I am nothing but myself…where I don’t care about my appearance…my clothes or my dressing…the way I carry myself…where the food always feels fulfilling…where the water always quenches my thirst…where the bed always gives me a peaceful relaxing sleep…where I like to receive calls from near and dear…where I always feel safe and secure….

Today when I have to leave you and shift to some other place I also realize apart from all the above there had been umpteen memories which also I am leaving behind with you here. …memories which never felt so overwhelming enough as long as you were with me…memories of the day I first walked into my very little home…hrs that I spent bringing you into shape…the day I had got my first gas stove…the day I had first experimented cooking and burnt the dish…the day I got my first oven….the numerous lazy afternoons when I just lazily lied down on the floor and watched TV…the pigeons which everyday in the morning dance on the balcony shade and disturbed our sweet slumber….the running and urgency to fill drums of water when there was a water shortage…the dreams that I made imagining how I would paint the walls and what kind of pictures will go where and how would you look all decorated….our search for the right curtains…our fight over our first frigde….our parents visit and our excitement for they being our first guests and our effort in making them feel at home….our first Diwali in which our little home looked breathtaking with all the diyas…and above everything our first venture to start and manage a home together all on our own…

Shifting into a rented flat closer to office makes me feel that I am leaving so much behind…makes me feel weird and become possessive when I think that our little home is going to be lived in by some other people whom we will rent the flat to…I don’t know if my little home will feel the same again if other people stay in it…Will they take enough care of our home…

I wonder how people sell off their houses or rather their homes…its so painful just to leave ur home behind not knowing when u can shift back to it and go to some other rented apartment….I hope I can build new memories in the new apartment as well…but I know it will not be the same….adieu my little home…we will miss you….you will always be our special little home…

Wish I was a Kid Again...

I remember that when I was a kid on the first day of school I used to love it when it turned out that that year a new uniform had to be stitched for me as the old uniform had become too old and shabby… and because my feet always happened to grow faster than me so every yr new shoes were almost a compulsion…I used to bask in glory and happiness and was all smiles thinking that everything would be new…new class, new uniform, new shoes, new set of books and if the school bag somehow also happened to be new then nothing like it…newness of things excited me so much as a kid…I even used to love transfers and shifting…when my father would be posted in a new place I would jump with joy thinking that there would be a new place to live in and a brand new set of friends and a new school too…And I always wondered why do my parents love their old home more than the new home and always keep talking about it…

Years later today even without my asking for it…it looks like all of a sudden I am going to step into a phase where everything is going to be new…new city, new apartment, new job, new colleagues, new field of work….and this time the things that are going to be new are much bigger in nature and in meaning. I am excited yes, but I also feel lost at the same time. There is enthusiasm and at the same time a certain amount of fear that will things go well or will I succumb to everything…I sometimes yearn for my old job in the city where I had lived for years and to get back to the comfort of my parents place…how come the same newness which used to overwhelm me as a kid is making me develop these inhibitions and apprehensions…..May be its easy when you start afresh…when you have no memories of your old job where you know how your first year had been…how long it had taken to establish your credibility…how you had not known to tackle a bad manager…may be its not…may be its easy now because you know how to tackle things and you have had the experience…but all said and done its again a start…a completely new start….it would take time again to settle down…again the same feeling of unsettlement would be there initially…again the strange feeling of walking down an unkown street to an unkown area and an office… amidst all strangers…the same jitters…the same nervousness….the same anxiety…

How I wish I was a kid again….oblivious…accepting all the newness in its entirety…blissfully ignorant of the fear and inhibitions and innocently taking in everything that’s new …with all smiles…making a mirage of imaginations..

A Morning in the Valleys !!

Long time since I have blogged…Last few weeks have been so eventful that I haven’t had time to even think of the content for posting..And as the snap suggests this is what I had been doing....I should say I had been on a traveling spree…

Visited places like Shimla, Kullu, Manali, Chandigarh, Delhi, Mathura, Agra, Fatehpur Sikri….in a shot span of time covering so many places was a real good experience. It gave the feel and understanding of the differences in people’s culture, living and lifestyle in these places which probably I cudn’t have experienced had I visited one place at a time…I had never seen snow till date…hence Rohtang Pass was an enchanting experience…to see white snow all around you…sea of snow everywhere as far as your eyes can take you…it was mesmerizing…although I wasn't able to breathe for a while as the cold overtook me the sight was still overwhelming...and from the softness of the snow and the sub zero degrees cold we traveled towards Agra…scorching heat..50 degrees centigrade…but then Taj Mahal has its own charm…its not the first time that I visited Taj Mahal..but I was still as captivated by the monument as I was the very first time I had seen it…It has an aura about it that just captures you without fail…for that matter all these architectures i.e Fatehpur Sikri, Sikandara etc…you feel so different when you walk on the ground on which you know years and years ago kings and queens used to walk on them…you wonder how the place must be then in all its finery and glow…something that you have heard of as stories from your grandparents as a kid and had dreamt about…about kings and queens and ministers and their kingdoms palaces power and richness…and you are there touching it feeling it in your hands…imagining the stories in their true form for a while..

The other thing that strikes you is the differences in the nature of people.I think the whole of Himachal Pradesh is a different world in itself…Shimla being the capital feels so serene and calm which is far far away from the hustle bustle of the metros we live in….people in Shimla seem to be living a very beautiful life enjoying every day living each and every moment…you can see people sitting leisurely on the footway sipping tea and coffee in the early hours of morning…as soon as darkness sets in people call it a day and are seen having a stroll on the Mall road enjoying the cold breeze of the eve…there is no hurry... no tension in their eyes...just calmness and serenity all around...stark difference from the way people’s orientation towards life in a Metro is …Its really amazing how just a few hrs away from a metro people lead such a peaceful life and here in the metro people are so different….softness of people in the valleys seem to be engulfed by the harshness of the fast pace of life in Metro forcing them to develop a hard exterior…but then it would be wrong to compare the happiness of both of them as both are happy in their own cities…even the person in the valley is happy away from the fast pace of life in the metro and the person in the metro is happy being away from the slow moving calm life of the valleys…. although both might seem complaining about their lives at times....

And that makes me think…now that I am in Mumbai another metro….. when I look at the innumerous teeming lights from the balcony of my flat and the sky high buildings..and the people rushing through the crowd to catch the local to their homes…I wonder if I can fight through the crowd and make a place for myself here… …will Mumbai accomodate me and become my home ……

Adieu!

When we were in engineering and it was the last day on campus we had cried hugging each of our friends....we were too young then not to mind to be called a sissy

Now, when it is the last day of post graduation (MBA) we are too old to cry or be sentimental and be a sissy and too young to realize that this is the end of a phase which will never repeat again and these are the faces who you never might cross paths with again and there is something that we might miss tomm....only if we get old enough to realize...

The Last Mile

With just a couple of days more on campus and with end terms already hovering on our heads for the last term we the batch of 2010 are all set to cross the last mile together...just like we had first set our foot together two years back and sailed in the same boat all these days long...

It was a learning phase nevertheless.....just like every institute is...Past two years have definitely been eventful for all of us..And ofcourse I will always be thankful to this institute for helping me achieve the objective for which I had come here for...

I remember the day I had first stepped in...the newness and the strangeness of the place had been overpowering....even the sight of the stranger who had taken the group discussion with me during the interview process provided reassurance of someone known....

I remember how I had wandered into the class and sat coyly at a place with strange faces all around me filled with enthusiasm and our HR professor had walked into the class announcing marks for class participation.....which was like setting fire to a bunch of fireworks.... heart pounding mine was also one of the hands up desperate to contribute to the class...

I remember the day the first quiz was announced to be held and a batch mail was circulated with at most enthusiasm wishing all the very best to the entire batch by the students....And after three years of work I was sitting infront of my laptop ....my hand shivering to press the Go button to start the quiz....the Adrenaline rush, the fear, the excitement...

The seniors presentations in the nights which was compulsory to attend and the next day morning class where we would support each other so that the professors don’t catch us sleeping....the night outs in game committees ....the first JLT...when we were attending these it seemed that acads were in one end of the spectrum and these belonged to the other end...we would listen to the tunes of the songs playing in the JLT and bask in the glory of freedom from acads even if it was temporary...

The rehearsals we did as a group for our very first presentation in communication...with our hearts in our mouth to face a group of 60 as audience...and the support we gave each other in terms of Q&A session after the presentations....and how we have progressed to a stage where we make presentations in the class in those 5 min time when the other group is presenting and royally present it even to a panel of profs with umpteen confidence...

The very first grades which hit us all with one blow...the worry...the anxiety which has all faded with the years as we learnt to grow out of them...and laugh at glory and debacle alike accepting various things both good and bad and taking them in our stride as we went along.....

The wrath of the profs which we all together took with silent empathy for each other. The bitching sessions about anything and everything related to anyone and everyone.

Maxinations....Expressions....someone has rightly named the festival...in togetherness do we express our enthusiasm and spirit through a festival for which we didn’t mind to toil for nights together just to make it a success....and the admiration in all our eyes as each of our batchmates performed with flying colors...applauding for each and everyone...

The b’day celebrations...where the whole batch has fun at your expense and you enjoy to see them all laugh at your expense..

The silent prayers for one and all for placements...

I am not sure if I can term it Nostalgia as we count the final days to our footsteps taking us outside the campus...but I am sure there will be innumerable days when we will be sitting with a smile spread on our faces remembering the PJs of our friends and batchmates idiosyncrasies here...telling the tales of the profs and classes that we took each being an experience in itself...I only hope that just similar to the way we had all given a silent support to each other during the senior ragging sessions and class ragging sessions by the profs which were our first stepping stones...which we had probably misunderstood then and which now we understand was a way by which they made us think not as an individual but as a batch and brought us closer making us think for each other...just like that in the days to come I hope we still will silently support each other when the corporate world out there waits to rag us...with this note I bid adieu to the batch of 2010...

Surreal or Real?

I think everybody in this world lives in two different worlds...one being real with stark practicality of day to day life, where your weaknesses have no place, where everyone is struggling to make a place, where you just get up and run to keep pace with the fast moving reality, where expectations are not alive, where you are alone, you are an individual all by yourself ...left alone to face it all whether things be in your favour or not....in short its the world where dreams end and reality begins and hits in your face and you have no say..you got to take it and keep walking...

And at the exact opposite end lies the other world...its surreal...but it exists as much as your real practical world...this is the world that everyone loves because they can see their hopes alive..which are so alive that they seem to hold your hand and lead you to the path where you see your expectations smiling down at you and encouraging you to dream...soar high in your dreams...paint that surreal world which has all the colors...bright and sparkling...without a speck of dullness...And how much you love to be lost in this surreal world of yours...This is the world where you define yourself..where there is time and place for love, closeness, family, friends...there is leisure...your imaginations are free to soar...

And there is a line separating the two worlds....a thin line it is...as its very often that when you realize the reality is way different and claims to be so practical that you slip into your surreal world to take solace to console yourself saying that what if the reality is so...what if I am not allowed to expect in there...what if my dreams don’t have a place there....I can still dream and expect in my surreal world and derive fulfilment from it...And you probably still expect and still dream...and again hope...hope that this time it is the other way round and this time atleast one of the dreams from the surreal world just slides into the real world and leaves you in awe....

Afterall the mind knows no bounds...the heart has no boundaries...they still hope for that day when the surreal world is your real world...they still expect their dreams to lead them by the hand to the apex of their imaginations and each time they are proved wrong they just wonder why is that we even expect .....aren’t the two worlds in completely different planes....surreal is still surreal and real is afterall real...stark but still real...but what the heart doesn’t although the mind understands is...how to draw the line between them...how to keep them separate...how to let them be...And the larger question would be...what is it right now?...Surreal or Real?

She...

Three years old she is...playing innocently across the hallway in her mother’s lap...while her mother is trying to comb her hair into a pretty little plait...arranging her curly hair across the forehead...making her look like a doll....the innocence in her baby smile and the eagerness with which her big eyes are absorbing her mother’s words when she says...one day my little angel will be a big girl ...she would study hard and earn a lot of name and show everyone that she is no less...and everyone around will say that’s my angel...

Little does the little angel know...that she is going to tread a tough path ahead...her mother weaves in her her aspirations and ambitions so that her angel is no less than a guy tomorrow...and so does the innocent eyes of the little girl believe....As time flies she will be gifted dolls and will be taught to dream...dream of all that she wanted to do and was not allowed to as it was not lady like...and so her ability to soar high in her dreamland will begin... she ceases to exist in reality and her advent to the surreal world that she weaves takes an initiation...The trophies that she bags will be treasured by her mom more than anyone else....She will see the spark of her ambition in her mother’s eyes which she would like to fulfil...Her little innocent eyes which had naively taken her mother’s words for granted then...realization will dawn when she will know it was just another fairy tale...

Beauty being her identification in the society...homeliness being her appeal...house hold responsibility being her inevitable responsibility...earning her morsel a necessity...Her ambitions can be compromised with...judging her would be a legacy ....and her complaints not understood........ Numerous such expectations would unfold infront of her which will leave her to shun her innocence and grab the garb of a lady....toughness being her soul and patience her weapon...tears being the gift of God to vent out her emotions...and endurance her strength. Equipped with all these she would stand to face the vast waves of the ocean all alone....

Her mother’s moist eyes will dream of her little angel in a bridal dress painting the canvass of her life with beautiful colors....hoping against hope that her little angel is not standing alone to face the waves and has a supporting hand and a shoulder to lean on when she is gone....And she will gift her the garb of a woman....when her little angel is old enough and ready to take a leap ahead ....to be a woman from being the lady she was....A subtle change bringing a world of unexplainable transformation in her life...Here her mother will learn that her role is over and now her little angel is left on her own to discover the woman in her and endure it , comprehend it, understand it and love it for no one else would or no else can except she herself...

For she will shudder and wouldn’t want to submit to being a woman she would want to be her mother’s little angel again believing innocently to her mother’s words...oblivious of the future she has to face.... oblivious to the fact that she is being moulded to be a woman someday.... Yet, a time will come when she will wait...she will wait for an identity of her own...she will wait for her own little angel in whom she can see her reflection...her self...and that day she would truely comprehend the mysticism and divinity of her existence...she would be liberated , she would be happy....she would realize and she would be thankful that she is a girl...a lady...a woman...and her little angel will also grow to be one some day.