Monday, October 03, 2011

Is it an Oxymoron!!!

Its been a long time since I blogged......I feel as if I have lost the habit to even think of a post and type it down now too...

I had been cleaning my cupboards last make space for the new suitcase...and I found my diary that I used to keep when I was just about 9 years old probably.....First of all I couldn’t recognize my own handwriting.....and it took sometime for me to realise that it was indeed me who had maintained a daily entry then and that too in ink....

And I actually laughed at what I had written.....first at my thoughts as a child....and then at the very simplicity of the thoughts....the world seemed to be such a small place then....or rather how do I put simple, lucid and decipherable then. I was amazed at the clear cut definitions of “best friend” and “enemy” that I had defined in my diary then....the days that used to start with mom’s breakfast and mom making you ready for school, packing ur school bag and tiffin....and the days that used to end with ur mom narrating stories to ur little brother and you trying to imitate ur mother and narrate stories to him when he would get up in the middle of the night.....there didn’t seem to be any place for uncertainty....or rather those were the days when I used to think grown-ups have always been as grown-ups and life had been and would be perennially this way with me attending school with my little brother...with the same set of frens....with the same set of dreams and ideas...And even if there was any change...say in school or something....I used to be so excited with the idea of exploring a new place and having new frens.....

Life could be so simple then....its amazing to even imagine that once life was actually like was the same you who used to decipher life in that way. And today its the same you....but life somehow doesn’t seem to be like that many concepts have changed....infact the word concept probably has ceased to thoughts and ideas seem to be so complicated now...that even I fail to decipher them....I just don’t know how the day starts and ends now......everyone now seems to be a fren and everyone seems not to be as well....everyone seem to be caring for you and you for everyone and at the same time none care for you and you care for none........and sometimes I care to think that how come I don't the only thing which is constant and certain is change and seem to hate both of them yet you term life to be mundane and monotonous without them and crave for them.....And the worst thing is in the event of change you feel I wish I could just retrace back and cling to that what was there previously......

And the biggest irony is that everyone whom you speak to claims to be a person simple at heart.....not excluding me that is!!

Monday, April 25, 2011

And I am jealous….

She had a tinkling laughter which was infectious
She had many looks and looked the best in any form...but I didn't want to look at her
Her laughter would just buzz in my ears and I would shudder away
As I was jealous….

She would turn her face and look at me…with child like innocence..and smile beseechingly..
And I was cognizant of her eyes following me…I knew she wasn’t ridiculing me…yet I felt she was
I wanted her to go away…her presence was eating into my mental peace…
As I was jealous….

My mind and heart were at battle over her…one wanted to follow her and one wanted to possess her…
I wanted neither…
As I was jealous….

She still stood there by my side…just at an arm’s length…seductive that she was..nothing seemed to intimidate her
Neither my ignoring her…nor my hatred for her…nor my avoidance of her…
I knew what she was thinking…yet I didn’t want to acknowledge….
As I was jealous….

She continued smiling….her eyes telling me…I am with you….you possess me as well as follow me..
Why then are you jealous….

I closed my eyes…my heart and mind echoing aloud…I know I do…but I can only see you in others…not in me as my possession ….
whereas I had struggled so hard to make you mine…. And you had gone to them just at the wink of the eye…
And I am jealous….

She laughed loudly the same crystal clear tinkling infectious laughter and said
And my dear the others that you are talking about see me in you
And that’s why they are jealous….

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

...After a long time

It had got late and I was in a hurry to get home. My mind all occupied I started walking down the road in the darkness. I was still thinking about that report….I was unable to put my mind at ease…I just wantedto find the solution to that problem…why weren’t the nos. adding up…where cud I have gone wrong in the Financial model….probing my mind for the umpteenth time since morning I waved my hand mechanically to stop a cab…the words Wadala came automatically without any thot as if it was a reflex reaction whenever a cab stopped…and I got into the cab…

Just then my phone rang…I knew my mother had to tell me something…she had called me in the afternoon also…I cudn’t remember what it was…I just knew that it was not more significant than thinking of a solution to my problem rt now…so I ignored the call…conveniently postponing to deal with whatever she wanted to tell me later in the night…once I put my mind to ease…..

The cab driver asked me “Kahan jana hai madam” and I again one more reflex reaction “Wadala station bhaiyya”. And I again started thinking…..
Cab Driver: Aaj der ho gayi madam
Me: Kya bhaiyaa?
Cab Driver: Maine poocha madam aaj der ho gayi
Me: Haan bhaiyaa kya karein !!
Cab: Bank mein kaam kartey ho madam
Me: Haan bhaiyaa (Reflex )
Cab: Kaun sa
Me: Kya bhaiyya
Cab: Maine poocha madam kaun sa bank
Cab: Par madam woh bank thodi na hai is bldng mein
Me: ??????
Cab: Woh bank toh Nariman point mein hai. Acha aapka matlab XXX hai…woh toh investment bank hai
Me (a little surprised with his GK): haan bhaiyya wohi
Cab: Tabhie madam aap itna der tak rehti ho …
Me: Haan bhaiyaa kya karein!
Cab: Aur abhie bhi kaam ke bare mein soch rahe ho
Me: Ha ha haan bhaiyaa
Cab: Aapko pata hai madam meri ek bitiya hai…aap hi ki jitni…who padhayi mein bahut aage hai…ek wakt ki roti kha ke padhaya hai madam maine usko….CA banna chahti hai…par madam main nahi chahtaki woh CA bane
Me: Kyun bhaiyaa…aaj kal CA ka toh bahut demand hai?
Cab: Haan madam demand toh hai…us se kya hota hai…CA karegi toh aap hi ki tarah kahin kisi bank mein ghusegi aur roz der raat tak kaam karti rahegi…na ghar ke bare mein sochegi na khud ke bare mein…chain nahi milega usey…paise se kya karna madam…khane ko do roti chahiye…who toh meri bitiya lecturer ya professor banke bhi kama sakti hai…

Meri beti agar professor ban gayi kal ko maan lo madam mere jaise dus baap usko aashish denge….dua denge…ki meri bitiya unke bachon ki zindagi sawaar rahi hai….CA ban jane se kya hoga…meri bitiyako char log gaali denge din mein…ke unke Company mein nuksaan ho gaye…kaise bhi zhol zhal karke phaiyda karwao…aur nahi kar payi toh shareholder gaali denge…and kar diya toh auditor gaali denge…kyun madam yeh sab baimaani ka kaam karo…chalo maan liya baimaani nahi karegi par kaun sa kisika upkaar kar legi…na khud ka upkaar karegi na doosron ka….kyun madam sahi kaha na?

My stoppage had come till then and I got down from the cab…paid the cab driver the fare and walked down to my building from the society compound gate…on the way I called back my mother….