Society it is.......

I remember my husband asking me “So what kind of an apartment should we look for “ and me answering instantaneously “A society kind…with lots of buildings…lots of people in one compound…only then we will not feel lonely in a city with no relatives…and probably make some frens too…it’s a society afterall”…..and so we did search for such an apartment and I was almost elated when we found one too and thanked God profusely……

Just abt 15 days after we shifted …..one day an elderly person comes to our flat and very nicely greets me and says “ Hi, could I go to ur kitchen”….Me surprised “Sure Sir”…..He inspects the kitchen for a while and says “This Aquaguard is urs na…when you fixed it did u fix this tap attachment also”…. More confusion from my side “ No sir…this was provided by the owner”….”Aaaah, no no my dear its not provided by the owner…its mine actually…I forgot to take it when I sold this apartment to ur current owner….you will have to detach that part and return it to me…and replace it with ur attachment”….Me baffled “But sir we have left our tap attachment in our old house which will take like two hrs to go from here”…..”Yeah so go and get it….take ur time…but I need my tap attachment”…..Me almost giving up “ Ok sir I ll see what can be done”…..”And yeah next time I come plz empty the letter box also and give me my letters….hope I didn’t cause much trouble…I am coming all the way from Chembur by taxi in this humid climate u know…” ….Me wondering after he left isn’t the fare by taxi from Chembur more than the price of the tap attachment which must hardly be 150 Rs or so…

Now, with less than a month in our new apartment…right in the morning when we are hurrying to go to office…..we suddenly are greeted by a dark, middle aged person…those typical owner of a clothes shop kinds..with a paunch…and a thick unmistakenably south Indian moustache…..”aa gaye aap”….which obviously got a surprised look on our faces for an answer as we didn’t expect someone waiting so desperately for us right in the morning…..” Main tumhara hi intezaar kar raha tha….tumne mera bike giraya hai…two times”……more surprised looks from us….”mereko bahut kharcha hua….aao dekho…mera handle toot gaya…mera bahut nuksaan hua…450 Rs. Ek baar ka”…….after abt 15 min of ranting from his side we were still clueless….then finally I said “Sir, shayad aapko galat femi huyi hai…its not us….kisi aur ne shayad galti se gira diya hoga…”…..obviously he wasn’t convinced…and instead said “ nahi tumhi ne giraya hai….madam mujhe paise dena hi hoga…aisa nahi chalega…teen baar gira mera bike”…..me more confused now how did it become three from two times….

Anyways, finally after a lot of convincing and ranting from both parties we came to a conclusion based on mutual understanding that lets exchange the parking lots then…may be that way he will be atleast convinced that we aren’t the culprits and he will also be happy with a closed parking exchange for an open parking space……

Night 11 ‘o clock on the same day we get a call on our intercom…again we both surprised as to why has someone chosen such an auspicious time to call…what could be the urgency…..and what follows is :

Caller : (A Female…please pardon me for not referring to her as lady) Are u C-512

S : Yes Ma’am

Caller : Take out ur car rt now from that parking space

S : Huh, Sorry Ma’am…I didn’t get u

Caller : I said take out ur car rt now and park it elsewhere

S : But ma’am could you kindly tell me what’s the problem

Caller : I can’t reverse my car

S : But ma’am I think there is enough space…aa…I think u can try to (Interrupted)

Caller : See let me clarify once again…I leave at 7 in the morning…my office is in Colaba…now if I reverse my car to left…which is easier for me…and which I have been doing till date…I can catch the direct route to the exit gate…now if you place ur car there I have to either spend time in reversing and be careful so as to not damage ur car…or take towards right…which is inconvenient for me as then I have to circle the entire building and spend 5 whole min to reach the exit gate….also u better know that my next neighbor is from Shiv Sena…and you better be thankful that I haven’t yet complained to the society incharge…did you understand the issue now…

S : OK ma’am now I got it…As the parking space is actually Mr. G’s who asked us to park our car there as he had some issues could I please request you to speak to him ma’am and settle the issue and let us know as we have no problem wherever anyone of you asks us to park our car…

Caller : No, why should I…you ask him to talk to me then…click (Line goes dead)

S called up G

G : (after hearing to the issue) kya bol rahi hai woh….agar meri gaadi hoti toh…do mujhe uska no.

S : Ok sir plz sort it among urselves and let us know

G : Thik hai…pehle tum no. do

After about half an hr call from G on the intercom

G : Suno tum gaadi udhar hi rakho…karne do usko complain…main bhi dekhta hoon kya kar legi who..

S : OK sir as you wish…I leave it to u both…Gudnite

So, society it is….I wonder when I see the slums that I pass by daily while going to the station everyday in the morning…people there are supposedly uneducated, less civil…and they seem to be living so amiably in that small hut shaped…constrained space…cooperating with each other…smiling and laughing around giggling away …everyday in the morning…..even if we assume that they too have such issues and quarrels…well then how different are we educated people living in a so called premium society from them anyway? If we are compared on the basis of tolerance level, patience, cooperation and other such parameters I won’t be surprised if our so called premium well educated society people will be beaten by the poor slum guys…

Mumbaikar Am I....

I remember the day when I had arrived in Mumbai and my husband had warned me that this city is going to be really tough…it’s a harsh city and to live here and survive here I need to make myself really strong and be prepared to work really hard…many of my friends had sympathized with me for having to leave Hyderabad and move to Mumbai and even thanked God for they being bestowed with some extra luck for not having to do so…Even the interviewers who had come to the campus to interview had said Mumbai is going to be tough do you think you can handle things there and manage …

And after all the scary stuff that I heard from everyone around me I am here now in Mumbai…trying to manage…trying to get into overly crowded trains and pray to God that everyone stays civil and do not push me overboard….Walking in and walking out of the very station where there had been a terrorist shoot out less than a year back without even having the time to think that such a ghastly incident had occurred only some time back….maneuvering and making my way through the crowd and through the stations where people seem to be running for their lives always in as much hurry….waiting for my turn to come while waiting in unending queues for buses and for that matter even the lift to go to my office which is on the 18th floor…..struggling with water scarcity even during the office hrs…..walking fully drenched in sweat on the roads searching for the bus and trains going in my route…waiting for lunch in a queue and finding a place to stand and gobble down some food……Walking down the slums teeming with people to my building ….

And I am still alive…surviving…and above all somehow I still like this place. Life no doubt is a struggle here…struggle for everyone….just as everyone had warned me and scared me…all that what they had said is true…but I don’t know why…Mumbai still feels like a home to me…

The basic reason why I guess I can’t develop hatred for this place is that life for everyone here is the same…ofcourse leaving out the extremely rich people who can afford some luxury out of this city everyone else has the same routine and the same lifestyle atleast in terms of the struggle without any discrimination whatsoever…and everyone knows that time and space are two invaluable things here and to survive here there is no escape but to work hard…and the best part is everybody even for that matter empathize with one another and try to help each other as much as they can….thus there is always a sense of security that you feel here…you know you can always go and ask for help if needed and you will even find help…..Its an accommodating city inspite of being overcrowded …probably that’s what they call is the spirit of Mumbai…

I also love the ‘never say die’ attitude of the people here…by being with them you are bound to develop umpteen amount of confidence in yourself without fail….and to top everything the best part of this city is its never late in Mumbai…it’s a city that wakes up and comes to life in the night….inspite of the struggle that people experience and go through in the day people in the evenings pull up themselves to make the city alive and lively….the sight of the city in the night …the very feel of it makes you feel revived and rejuvenates you in an unexplainable way…

The feeling of becoming a Mumbaikar so far has been quite appealing…may be it takes a lot of inner strength to maintain your poise here inspite of the hard life this city imposes on you but nevertheless probably every Mumbaikar is in love with the city in some or the other way….just that some acknowledge and some don’t acknowledge the fact…

Experiencing Independence.....

As the title of the post goes its like since the last one month I have been actually experiencing life in its true form ....Independence as the word goes I had never experienced it in its full form...Now when I understand what it actually means it seems as if the word Independence is too small for what it actually is....

When all of a sudden the task of finding a house, transferring your luggage all by yourself...cleaning, packing, unpacking, arranging and the numerous trips you make to do so...Rental agreement registration,Cable connection, TV installation, Washing Machine Installation, gas connection, Aquaguard, Newspaper, electricity bills, carpenter.....vegetables and other basic shopping ...its an unending list....All these things and many more which seemed so very trivial to us when we were in the comfort of our homes where parents used to take care of all these...they seemed so very trivial that I even failed to notice that so many things had to be taken care of and had to be thought about to set up a home.....It was like by the time we used to get back from school or office everything would be set at home and we never even bothered to think beyond it...

I remember when I was a kid and my mother would at times get irritated with the day’s work and shout at my brother and me when we would dirty the house...she would say that we don’t realize the value of what she was doing and one day when we would become independent and we are on our own we would understand ... I used to wonder then that why does she always stress so much on cleanliness and stuff when she herself says that none of us in the house values her doing so...and she had always retorted saying we will understand it by ourselves later .........And true to what she had said then today when I see myself so hell bent on cleanliness and putting stuff in their right places I realize....

When you try building a home right from scratch.....cleaning the entire apartment by urself...where even the color of the curtains are chosen by you and even the doormats are picked by you as per ur choice at the supermarket...it feels like you are nurturing something of your very own...you like each and every corner of the home to feel nice and warm....you feel dirty if the house is in a mess...you would like to enter your home and feel its fragrance fresh and scintillating....you would like to make it most comfortable for others...you feel the value of your effort when they entire tired and worn out into the house and you see a sense of relief in their eyes...when you sense the comfort that they experience as soon as they enter.........

But nevertheless it isn’t an easy job...setting a home, cooking, cleaning and working in a job...all at the same time. Everybody has been advising me to keep a maid to take care of the cleaning and cooking part ....and I know its sheer madness when I say I like to do things by myself....although I don’t claim that I will always do things by myself and I will never let a maid enter my home...I don’t say that but as long as I can manage and do things by myself I would love to do so....it somehow gives me a certain amount of pleasure and fulfilment in doing things myself.....especially cooking...I know I am still learning but I love to see everyone relishing something that I prepare from scratch....I love the praise I receive and at the same time I also love the consoling that I get when I burn a dish and we have no other go but to have that........

The feeling of Independence is too overwhelming for now to let it go so easily and let some outsider intrude into my privacy.....especially in those few hrs that I get to spend at home....

Home...

Home – the word itself sounds so soothing….how many times in the day I think of you….when I am having a tough time meeting deadlines…when I am exhausted and just want to relax…when I feel frustrated for no good reason and just want to run away somewhere…when I am down and out…when it’s a celebration with family…after a long tiring journey….how many times I yearn to get back to that place called home…

The one and only place which is truly relaxing…where I am nothing but myself…where I don’t care about my appearance…my clothes or my dressing…the way I carry myself…where the food always feels fulfilling…where the water always quenches my thirst…where the bed always gives me a peaceful relaxing sleep…where I like to receive calls from near and dear…where I always feel safe and secure….

Today when I have to leave you and shift to some other place I also realize apart from all the above there had been umpteen memories which also I am leaving behind with you here. …memories which never felt so overwhelming enough as long as you were with me…memories of the day I first walked into my very little home…hrs that I spent bringing you into shape…the day I had got my first gas stove…the day I had first experimented cooking and burnt the dish…the day I got my first oven….the numerous lazy afternoons when I just lazily lied down on the floor and watched TV…the pigeons which everyday in the morning dance on the balcony shade and disturbed our sweet slumber….the running and urgency to fill drums of water when there was a water shortage…the dreams that I made imagining how I would paint the walls and what kind of pictures will go where and how would you look all decorated….our search for the right curtains…our fight over our first frigde….our parents visit and our excitement for they being our first guests and our effort in making them feel at home….our first Diwali in which our little home looked breathtaking with all the diyas…and above everything our first venture to start and manage a home together all on our own…

Shifting into a rented flat closer to office makes me feel that I am leaving so much behind…makes me feel weird and become possessive when I think that our little home is going to be lived in by some other people whom we will rent the flat to…I don’t know if my little home will feel the same again if other people stay in it…Will they take enough care of our home…

I wonder how people sell off their houses or rather their homes…its so painful just to leave ur home behind not knowing when u can shift back to it and go to some other rented apartment….I hope I can build new memories in the new apartment as well…but I know it will not be the same….adieu my little home…we will miss you….you will always be our special little home…

Wish I was a Kid Again...

I remember that when I was a kid on the first day of school I used to love it when it turned out that that year a new uniform had to be stitched for me as the old uniform had become too old and shabby… and because my feet always happened to grow faster than me so every yr new shoes were almost a compulsion…I used to bask in glory and happiness and was all smiles thinking that everything would be new…new class, new uniform, new shoes, new set of books and if the school bag somehow also happened to be new then nothing like it…newness of things excited me so much as a kid…I even used to love transfers and shifting…when my father would be posted in a new place I would jump with joy thinking that there would be a new place to live in and a brand new set of friends and a new school too…And I always wondered why do my parents love their old home more than the new home and always keep talking about it…

Years later today even without my asking for it…it looks like all of a sudden I am going to step into a phase where everything is going to be new…new city, new apartment, new job, new colleagues, new field of work….and this time the things that are going to be new are much bigger in nature and in meaning. I am excited yes, but I also feel lost at the same time. There is enthusiasm and at the same time a certain amount of fear that will things go well or will I succumb to everything…I sometimes yearn for my old job in the city where I had lived for years and to get back to the comfort of my parents place…how come the same newness which used to overwhelm me as a kid is making me develop these inhibitions and apprehensions…..May be its easy when you start afresh…when you have no memories of your old job where you know how your first year had been…how long it had taken to establish your credibility…how you had not known to tackle a bad manager…may be its not…may be its easy now because you know how to tackle things and you have had the experience…but all said and done its again a start…a completely new start….it would take time again to settle down…again the same feeling of unsettlement would be there initially…again the strange feeling of walking down an unkown street to an unkown area and an office… amidst all strangers…the same jitters…the same nervousness….the same anxiety…

How I wish I was a kid again….oblivious…accepting all the newness in its entirety…blissfully ignorant of the fear and inhibitions and innocently taking in everything that’s new …with all smiles…making a mirage of imaginations..

A Morning in the Valleys !!

Long time since I have blogged…Last few weeks have been so eventful that I haven’t had time to even think of the content for posting..And as the snap suggests this is what I had been doing....I should say I had been on a traveling spree…

Visited places like Shimla, Kullu, Manali, Chandigarh, Delhi, Mathura, Agra, Fatehpur Sikri….in a shot span of time covering so many places was a real good experience. It gave the feel and understanding of the differences in people’s culture, living and lifestyle in these places which probably I cudn’t have experienced had I visited one place at a time…I had never seen snow till date…hence Rohtang Pass was an enchanting experience…to see white snow all around you…sea of snow everywhere as far as your eyes can take you…it was mesmerizing…although I wasn't able to breathe for a while as the cold overtook me the sight was still overwhelming...and from the softness of the snow and the sub zero degrees cold we traveled towards Agra…scorching heat..50 degrees centigrade…but then Taj Mahal has its own charm…its not the first time that I visited Taj Mahal..but I was still as captivated by the monument as I was the very first time I had seen it…It has an aura about it that just captures you without fail…for that matter all these architectures i.e Fatehpur Sikri, Sikandara etc…you feel so different when you walk on the ground on which you know years and years ago kings and queens used to walk on them…you wonder how the place must be then in all its finery and glow…something that you have heard of as stories from your grandparents as a kid and had dreamt about…about kings and queens and ministers and their kingdoms palaces power and richness…and you are there touching it feeling it in your hands…imagining the stories in their true form for a while..

The other thing that strikes you is the differences in the nature of people.I think the whole of Himachal Pradesh is a different world in itself…Shimla being the capital feels so serene and calm which is far far away from the hustle bustle of the metros we live in….people in Shimla seem to be living a very beautiful life enjoying every day living each and every moment…you can see people sitting leisurely on the footway sipping tea and coffee in the early hours of morning…as soon as darkness sets in people call it a day and are seen having a stroll on the Mall road enjoying the cold breeze of the eve…there is no hurry... no tension in their eyes...just calmness and serenity all around...stark difference from the way people’s orientation towards life in a Metro is …Its really amazing how just a few hrs away from a metro people lead such a peaceful life and here in the metro people are so different….softness of people in the valleys seem to be engulfed by the harshness of the fast pace of life in Metro forcing them to develop a hard exterior…but then it would be wrong to compare the happiness of both of them as both are happy in their own cities…even the person in the valley is happy away from the fast pace of life in the metro and the person in the metro is happy being away from the slow moving calm life of the valleys…. although both might seem complaining about their lives at times....

And that makes me think…now that I am in Mumbai another metro….. when I look at the innumerous teeming lights from the balcony of my flat and the sky high buildings..and the people rushing through the crowd to catch the local to their homes…I wonder if I can fight through the crowd and make a place for myself here… …will Mumbai accomodate me and become my home ……

Adieu!

When we were in engineering and it was the last day on campus we had cried hugging each of our friends....we were too young then not to mind to be called a sissy

Now, when it is the last day of post graduation (MBA) we are too old to cry or be sentimental and be a sissy and too young to realize that this is the end of a phase which will never repeat again and these are the faces who you never might cross paths with again and there is something that we might miss tomm....only if we get old enough to realize...

The Last Mile

With just a couple of days more on campus and with end terms already hovering on our heads for the last term we the batch of 2010 are all set to cross the last mile together...just like we had first set our foot together two years back and sailed in the same boat all these days long...

It was a learning phase nevertheless.....just like every institute is...Past two years have definitely been eventful for all of us..And ofcourse I will always be thankful to this institute for helping me achieve the objective for which I had come here for...

I remember the day I had first stepped in...the newness and the strangeness of the place had been overpowering....even the sight of the stranger who had taken the group discussion with me during the interview process provided reassurance of someone known....

I remember how I had wandered into the class and sat coyly at a place with strange faces all around me filled with enthusiasm and our HR professor had walked into the class announcing marks for class participation.....which was like setting fire to a bunch of fireworks.... heart pounding mine was also one of the hands up desperate to contribute to the class...

I remember the day the first quiz was announced to be held and a batch mail was circulated with at most enthusiasm wishing all the very best to the entire batch by the students....And after three years of work I was sitting infront of my laptop ....my hand shivering to press the Go button to start the quiz....the Adrenaline rush, the fear, the excitement...

The seniors presentations in the nights which was compulsory to attend and the next day morning class where we would support each other so that the professors don’t catch us sleeping....the night outs in game committees ....the first JLT...when we were attending these it seemed that acads were in one end of the spectrum and these belonged to the other end...we would listen to the tunes of the songs playing in the JLT and bask in the glory of freedom from acads even if it was temporary...

The rehearsals we did as a group for our very first presentation in communication...with our hearts in our mouth to face a group of 60 as audience...and the support we gave each other in terms of Q&A session after the presentations....and how we have progressed to a stage where we make presentations in the class in those 5 min time when the other group is presenting and royally present it even to a panel of profs with umpteen confidence...

The very first grades which hit us all with one blow...the worry...the anxiety which has all faded with the years as we learnt to grow out of them...and laugh at glory and debacle alike accepting various things both good and bad and taking them in our stride as we went along.....

The wrath of the profs which we all together took with silent empathy for each other. The bitching sessions about anything and everything related to anyone and everyone.

Maxinations....Expressions....someone has rightly named the festival...in togetherness do we express our enthusiasm and spirit through a festival for which we didn’t mind to toil for nights together just to make it a success....and the admiration in all our eyes as each of our batchmates performed with flying colors...applauding for each and everyone...

The b’day celebrations...where the whole batch has fun at your expense and you enjoy to see them all laugh at your expense..

The silent prayers for one and all for placements...

I am not sure if I can term it Nostalgia as we count the final days to our footsteps taking us outside the campus...but I am sure there will be innumerable days when we will be sitting with a smile spread on our faces remembering the PJs of our friends and batchmates idiosyncrasies here...telling the tales of the profs and classes that we took each being an experience in itself...I only hope that just similar to the way we had all given a silent support to each other during the senior ragging sessions and class ragging sessions by the profs which were our first stepping stones...which we had probably misunderstood then and which now we understand was a way by which they made us think not as an individual but as a batch and brought us closer making us think for each other...just like that in the days to come I hope we still will silently support each other when the corporate world out there waits to rag us...with this note I bid adieu to the batch of 2010...

Surreal or Real?

I think everybody in this world lives in two different worlds...one being real with stark practicality of day to day life, where your weaknesses have no place, where everyone is struggling to make a place, where you just get up and run to keep pace with the fast moving reality, where expectations are not alive, where you are alone, you are an individual all by yourself ...left alone to face it all whether things be in your favour or not....in short its the world where dreams end and reality begins and hits in your face and you have no say..you got to take it and keep walking...

And at the exact opposite end lies the other world...its surreal...but it exists as much as your real practical world...this is the world that everyone loves because they can see their hopes alive..which are so alive that they seem to hold your hand and lead you to the path where you see your expectations smiling down at you and encouraging you to dream...soar high in your dreams...paint that surreal world which has all the colors...bright and sparkling...without a speck of dullness...And how much you love to be lost in this surreal world of yours...This is the world where you define yourself..where there is time and place for love, closeness, family, friends...there is leisure...your imaginations are free to soar...

And there is a line separating the two worlds....a thin line it is...as its very often that when you realize the reality is way different and claims to be so practical that you slip into your surreal world to take solace to console yourself saying that what if the reality is so...what if I am not allowed to expect in there...what if my dreams don’t have a place there....I can still dream and expect in my surreal world and derive fulfilment from it...And you probably still expect and still dream...and again hope...hope that this time it is the other way round and this time atleast one of the dreams from the surreal world just slides into the real world and leaves you in awe....

Afterall the mind knows no bounds...the heart has no boundaries...they still hope for that day when the surreal world is your real world...they still expect their dreams to lead them by the hand to the apex of their imaginations and each time they are proved wrong they just wonder why is that we even expect .....aren’t the two worlds in completely different planes....surreal is still surreal and real is afterall real...stark but still real...but what the heart doesn’t although the mind understands is...how to draw the line between them...how to keep them separate...how to let them be...And the larger question would be...what is it right now?...Surreal or Real?

She...

Three years old she is...playing innocently across the hallway in her mother’s lap...while her mother is trying to comb her hair into a pretty little plait...arranging her curly hair across the forehead...making her look like a doll....the innocence in her baby smile and the eagerness with which her big eyes are absorbing her mother’s words when she says...one day my little angel will be a big girl ...she would study hard and earn a lot of name and show everyone that she is no less...and everyone around will say that’s my angel...

Little does the little angel know...that she is going to tread a tough path ahead...her mother weaves in her her aspirations and ambitions so that her angel is no less than a guy tomorrow...and so does the innocent eyes of the little girl believe....As time flies she will be gifted dolls and will be taught to dream...dream of all that she wanted to do and was not allowed to as it was not lady like...and so her ability to soar high in her dreamland will begin... she ceases to exist in reality and her advent to the surreal world that she weaves takes an initiation...The trophies that she bags will be treasured by her mom more than anyone else....She will see the spark of her ambition in her mother’s eyes which she would like to fulfil...Her little innocent eyes which had naively taken her mother’s words for granted then...realization will dawn when she will know it was just another fairy tale...

Beauty being her identification in the society...homeliness being her appeal...house hold responsibility being her inevitable responsibility...earning her morsel a necessity...Her ambitions can be compromised with...judging her would be a legacy ....and her complaints not understood........ Numerous such expectations would unfold infront of her which will leave her to shun her innocence and grab the garb of a lady....toughness being her soul and patience her weapon...tears being the gift of God to vent out her emotions...and endurance her strength. Equipped with all these she would stand to face the vast waves of the ocean all alone....

Her mother’s moist eyes will dream of her little angel in a bridal dress painting the canvass of her life with beautiful colors....hoping against hope that her little angel is not standing alone to face the waves and has a supporting hand and a shoulder to lean on when she is gone....And she will gift her the garb of a woman....when her little angel is old enough and ready to take a leap ahead ....to be a woman from being the lady she was....A subtle change bringing a world of unexplainable transformation in her life...Here her mother will learn that her role is over and now her little angel is left on her own to discover the woman in her and endure it , comprehend it, understand it and love it for no one else would or no else can except she herself...

For she will shudder and wouldn’t want to submit to being a woman she would want to be her mother’s little angel again believing innocently to her mother’s words...oblivious of the future she has to face.... oblivious to the fact that she is being moulded to be a woman someday.... Yet, a time will come when she will wait...she will wait for an identity of her own...she will wait for her own little angel in whom she can see her reflection...her self...and that day she would truely comprehend the mysticism and divinity of her existence...she would be liberated , she would be happy....she would realize and she would be thankful that she is a girl...a lady...a woman...and her little angel will also grow to be one some day.

House to Home….

No, this post isn’t about lamenting about being far from parents…missing home…or anything of that sort…its about my home…yeah today it feels so very special that I thot let me post about it…

Since morning I have been busy cleaning the house…didn’t take a shower…didn’t have food….just wanted to first make my house a home first and only then do other things…strangely I didn’t even feel filthy cleaning the house…Its true when people say what a guy would term as clean a girl will never do so till she sees it spotlessly clean. And as Murphy’s law goes my maid turned up after I cleaned the entire house thinking that she wouldn’t come and she said…Bhabie aap aa gayi…ab ja ke ghar saaf lag raha hai…par aap ek hi din mein pura ghar kyun saaf kar rahe ho…bhaiyya ko toh pata bhi nahi chalega…aap thoda araam se karo na…I just smiled and closed the door…and finally now when I look all around me I just feel like taking it all in cherishing the feeling of being in my home. My mother too always used to tell me …housewives keep working all day long and at the end of the day when they go to sleep their work never has value…rather no one values their work…but today when I look at my home…sparkling clean…each and every corner cleaned by me…I feel the value of putting in 8 hours of labour…how does it matter if anyone values my work or not…the value of looking at my shining little home is just overwhelming and priceless…

I wonder how people sell off their houses and go for new houses...how come they don't develop any attachments with the place they first started their lives in...together making it into a home an abode where they celebrated and took the first step of their life together...May be the attachment wears off over time...probably a bigger house occupies enough space in the dreams to have no place left for the old memories attached to thier very first home...

Year 2010....

So here comes 2010.... The beginning of another year...the advent of a new beginning, new hopes, new wishes...Its always so nice to welcome the start of a new year...to see people rejoicing all around you...

On the eve of every new year I always get reminded of the year that has passed...and where I was the last time I celebrated new year with others...as it happens last year I happened to be at my parents place and was stuck up with some stupid assignment with some course and didn’t know what to do as I was not on campus...so I just didn’t realize when last year had started and how time flew...but today when I sit to gather my thots I am just realizing it was just two yrs back when I was celebrating the start of the year 2008 and the year before that had passed in lot of personal ups and downs...little did I know what the year 2008 and the next year had in store for me...and when I had wished that hope this year goes well probably God just took of time to listen to my wishes...

Year 2008 had marked a new beginning in my life....as I happened to meet my husband that year and pursue my dream of doing higher studies that year and year 2009 happened just follow 2008 fulfilling my professional ambitions and today when I welcome the year 2010 I again know it will be the start of my new life...it will be a year full of promises...which will bring in togetherness, new responsibilities, Start of my new home,love, sharing and a little bit of adjustment, start of a new career , new friends and a new work life. Its going to be another remarkable year...

With all the happiness and eagerness that I look forward to for the year 2010...I also have this stint of a feeling that the count of the number of years that I am not going to be with my parents is only going to increase from now on...its like the phase in which I was learning to fly with the help of my parents is over now and I am all set to fly...just like the younger birds have to leave the comfort of their parents nests once their parents teach them how to fly only taking their blessings along to face the world alone...

Hoping that year 2010 marks a new beginning bidding adieu to 2009 for everyone and is as prosperous as the celebrations that are welcoming the year ahead...Wishing one and all a very Happy New Year 2010...

God Sent....

He was just a few hrs old when I first got to look at him...I saw him and I thot gosh if I put my two palms together he can just fit into them...so tiny he was...

Ever since then whenever I look at him or hear him speak those big philosophical statements or making those big career decisions I picturize that tiny little tod whom I used to forcibly get into that one piece head to toe fit and decorate him like a doll stealthily when my mother took off for a bath or left him unattended for a while and was spanked hard for doing that geopardizing breaking his neck...but the amazing thing was that he would just keep looking at me with those big innocent baby eyes while I was forcing him into the outfit and never even utter a sound of pain or discomfort...that was my little brother...he has always been that little for me ever since...

He would just crawl to me when I got back from school in class two and get back to home being carried by me...I would secretly get lollipop for him when he was allowed to have only baby food and make him lick it..... and he would lick it with a world of eagerness as if it was a drop of heaven that I got for him...

He was warned that he can’t come near me because I had chicken pox when he was one and half yrs old and when my parents were not looking he would come and stand near the door looking at me scared...wishing with those innocent eyes again that I get well soon...and run away as soon as he would see anyone coming and when he was scolded he would explain in his broken baby talk that chicken pox cudn’t jump over him as he ran away in time...

The way we used to fight and drive my mother crazy...

The day when my father came home and told me my Intermediate Board results and that I would be securing a seat in BITS and inspite of having a physical broom stick weaponed fight...which broke the broom stick into two and let my mother bring down the roof on us...my little brother who had vowed never to see my face again in his entire life..just heard my father announce the results and came and sat quietly beside me tugging at my arm...again his innocent eyes looking at me and earnestly hearing my father say and understand that I will have to leave home for 4 years...

I would truble him tease him and eat his part of the goodies and when he would cry and I get spanked and beaten up for the mischief...he would look at me through tears ...wipe his tears away and tell my father...its ok papa she will not do it again...

The scared look in his eyes when he would be watching Harry Porter at night with me instead of preparing for IIT and hear a sound imagining that my father or mother will come out to drink water and catch hold of him...

The irritated look that he gave me when I uttered something stupid or irritated him...the give up look he would give me when it came to my GK....and the supporting look that he would always give when I gave it up and said I can’t do it...

And the day when he took the thali for welcoming his sister’s bridegroom home...my little brother again...the look in his eyes bidding me goodbye after the wedding....

My brother 6 yrs younger to me....has always been and will always be that same little innocent toddler for me...yet just yesterday he told me just these four words “ Di, you make me proud”...I don’t know what made him say that....probably because this time I wasn’t near to look into his eyes....but it just overwhelmed me and I wondered ....my little brother ...just like I look down at him as the same little tiny person who could fit in my palms...his eyes have always looked up at me...right from the first time he called me by my name as a kid before he uttered mama or papa...And what can I say except that its true when people say siblings are just another way of God telling you that they are always there with you as your reflection....

Gratitude.....

Two incidents come to my mind today as I sit posting on this blog :

Incident 1 :

School admission for class 8^th. The principal of the school telling my father ...”Oh no sir you don’t realize she has no city school experience...she doesn’t know English also properly...and we have seats available only for Sanskrit second language....which she has never taken earlier...she will fail in 8^th as well as Xth board”...

And the my father answering “ I assure you sir she will manage and she will manage it well”...

And I managed to score 100% in Xth Board exam in Sanskrit and Two Gold Medals in Xth Board

Incident 2:

MBA admission. My father requesting Dean to postpone my joining by few days as the day of my wedding and joining were on the same day. The dean’s response to my father’s request “...You don’t realize sir....your daughter will face a very tough curriculum here...will she be able to manage MBA with marriage at a time...that too joining late”.

My Father’s response again “ I assure you sir she will manage and she will manage it well”...

And I managed again this time....but the credit does not go to me but to that one person who forms my world...My Husband...

And next to God for correcting this one wrong decision of mine by blessing me with my dream job in Finance in the same city as my Husband inspite of that being the only company on campus offering the location where my husband is posted.

A Yearning....

Today all of a sudden I don’t know why I am remembering home so much. Its been two years since I left home. Two years since I had been so paranoid to get thru MBA in someplace. Now I wonder, did I ever realize it then what would it mean. Did I think at that time that it would mean I have to spend two years away from all the luxury of home cooked food and comfort of my mom when I was down, comfort of my sleeping lazily in my room where everyone was so hell bent on me getting up and having food on time, when I would come back from office and my mom would open the door worried asking me what kept me so late...and complain about how can corporate job be so taxing, where me and my brother would browse thru all the tv channels and comment over every silly thing we come across breaking down to peals of laughter, bugging my father to take us for dinner in expensive restaurants whenever his salary for the month is credited, gazing at electronic items with my father and brother in different stores till mom screamed with irritation, escaping out just when the slightest hint of some errand at home is going to befall on u, ordering mom to cook ur favourite dish and hogging over it, complaining abt anything and everything in the world to your parents and knowing that you will get full support from them no matter what or who is wrong, venting out ur irritation on the first person u find and getting a thwacking which later is dissolved with some good bribery...the list is just endless.

I am wondering how people who have gone abroad for work or studies manage. Don’t they have such moments of emotional yearning to just leave behind everything and go home. Home the word itself sounds so soothing to ears. I remember I always used to mock at my mother for missing her home which she has left since about 28 years since the time she got married and moved with my father . I always used to say she is being irrational when she calls grandpa’s house as her house whereas her house is this. Now, I think may be 30 yrs from now I will still be feeling the same yearning that I am feeling rt now...Afterall home is home the sweetest place in the world, the place which keeps all your childhood memories with it, the place which is always there with open arms inviting you making you yearn to just go there and embrace it, the place which you eventually one day have to leave but which always lives with you wherever you go...I just wish I was at home now.

Since age five....

I was just watching this episode of friends today where one of the girl characters of the serial is getting married and she wants everything to be perfect on her marriage and the guys are unable to understand as to why is she making such a big fuss about every tiny thing that she wants to be perfect and not try to yield and compromise with the next best option. This reminded of my work place where I used to work earlier before joining MBA...there was this friend of ours who was getting married then and we girls we so very excited for her and each of us pooled in money to buy her the best of gifts possible. She was the first one among our friends circle in office to get married and we spent hours discussing as to what would be the right gifts for her...we wanted to bid her with a nice farewell party and the guys were just unable to appreciate the entire thing ...they were like yeah she is getting married so what’s the big deal...why so much of excitement...what is the big thing that she is going for...back then we girls were all dumbfounded and we never could get back at the boys for ridiculing all our arrangements and excitements...

But when I was watching the serial the reply that the girls gave to the guys just left me thinking....In the serial Monica retorted when her brother who was getting married was frustrated that the bride wanted everything to be perfect and was making a big fuss about everything...all that she said was “ How long have you been preparing for your wedding”..he said about 6-7 months and she said “you know from how long she has been thinking of her wedding ...since she was 5 yrs old”...and this statement of Monica’s just struck me...actually to think about it...you see a girl of age five or even less the only thing you see her doing is planning for the wedding of her dolls...she tries to have the perfect wedding for her doll picturising herself seeing her image or a part of herself in the doll and she grows so does the dream does along with her...she always dreams herself in that bridal dress with all the bridal accessories on her ...that special day of her lives which she would want to be just perfect and nothing else...even a small thing like leaving the home by doing the ritual of pouring the rice in your mothers saree pallu would also be very special for her...she would dream of an entire different life which she would be entering into after the very day of her wedding...even the sillest thing like putting mehendi uptill which exact point of her hand she would have dreamt about...even the stupidest detail as to how many bangles she would like to put on she would have taken ages to figure out... even the idea of wearing the ring of her fiancée would be her most cherished moment

Guys today argue that what’s the big deal as everyone is working the guys are also leaving far from home and so are the girls and a wedding is in no way taking the girl away from her home or her parents more than the guys nor does the girl have any problems to adjust at her new place among new people as the couple leave for their place of work immediately after the wedding or the in laws have actually become very broad minded with the changing generations. Whatever the argument the fact of a girl always have dreamt of her new home..the perfect one with the single most detail planned as to what the color of the walls would be would never be so with the guy...how much ever casual today’s generation has become this fact will always remain true as Monica said guys would never understand as they can never imagine themselves in the bridal wear walking down the aisle since they were five years old...dreaming about how your home would be with your partner...being ready to transform and change stepping into a new changed life where even a different name is acceptable to you... they just never can

There is this movie fashion that I simply have no words to describe...after ages I have found another movie that I can go on watching an endless number of times...it sure does come in the league of other movies of Madhur Bhandarkar... I must say he just makes these amazing movies...even the other movie of his that is page 3 it was just as beautiful as this one...generally I always prefer reading a book rather than watch a movie...but its some movies like these that I just get sold to...

Movies like fashion, Page 3 and other movies I guess cannot really be appreciated by everyone. They have these intense emotions picturised in these movies which is way different from the other light hearted commercial movies that the general public movies. But I don’t know why I fall for these heavy movies and its really amazing that each time I watch these movies I not only fall more in love with them but I have a whole new set of thoughts and perspectives that revolve around the movie and the characters in the movie in my mind. I really love the high amount of confidence that he portrays in the characters of his movies that kind of oozes out of them and kind of touches you and spreads to you when you watch them...all his characters are these women whom you truely can term as women of substance with umpteen amount of confidence, maturity and an independent attitude which you just cannot fail appreciating. And fashion would earn probably a few points more for its marvellous blend of music as well....I am so glad I finally ended up with a copy of Fashion today and now I can watch it whenever I feel a little low

Its so amazing when you have all this leisure time to yourself when you can just watch your favourite movies all night alone on your laptop with absolutely no one to disturb you and you can go through the entire emotional sequence all by yourself and post about it and go to sleep playing songs all night on your laptop till the charge of the battery goes down...it feels so great after exams!!

Friends the serial :D

When I am down and think I have hit rock bottom I watch friends

When I am angry with life I watch friends

When I feel lost I watch friends

When I feel elated I watch friends

When I feel lonely I watch friends

When I take a break from my schedule I watch friends

When I am bored I watch friends

And now when I am frowning for not being able to go home after my exams I am watching FRIENDS....wonderful serial...just have no words for it J J!!

Heading towards more hollowness...

I had been thinking to post about this since a long time and have just not been finding time to. Usually when I experience something and think of writing about it and postpone it I end up forgetting the incident and don’t post it. But this time I guess I just haven’t been able to forget the experience of that day. It was actually a very simple day like any other day...just that it was special for me as staying in a hostel doing an MBA amidst this vast clutter of events you take one whole min. to recollect your name so forget about taking out time to be with family. Thus that one day that I was spending at home was special in a way.

It was a fine Sunday evening and everyone was having a day off from work just lazing around.Now, as usual I always love being a silent spectator and listen to other’s conversation ...rarely I actively involve myself...so I was just doing my usual part of being a silent listener and then it suddenly struck me that we have all been discussing from a long time about a street dog. My mother in law was narrating her experience while she was staying at rent in Cuttack, a city in Orissa. She was talking about a colony dog basically it had so happened that a dog gave birth to a puppy and died and all the people in the colony didn’t have the heart to see the puppy die so they took care of the puppy and each of the them took turns in feeding the puppy. The puppy became such a favourite of the colony that whenever in anyone’s house in that colony there used to be a celebration, b’day or something that day the puppy was fed with royal food...whenever a delicacy was made in anyone’s house a share was kept aside for the puppy too. All the colony members even happened to gather and try naming the puppy... Then it so happened that one hot afternoon the puppy was nowhere to be seen. A chaos was there in the colony...people went out in search of the puppy...housewives couldn’t sleep and eat in peace....children too missed the puppy. Finally after three days someone found the puppy in another colony and gave the happy news.

It was amazing to hear how people in small localities located in small cities develop attachments and develop such emotions. I am not sure if such things can take place in big big Metros between all that glamour of lucrative 14 hrs job. This story probably just fascinated me because when I am in hostel I keep hearing to discussions about job recession, what electives are needed to take up an elective, at how much compensation should one opt for a job, how come that person got more marks then someone, how are people trying to influence the professors to earn some extra marks or know some questions coming in the exam, how should we try and do brand building, a row over why should it should be compulsory to attend any talks, which company tiers our institute at what level, who has got thru some competition or PPO, how have some people got to know answers for exercises and are not posting for the benefit of the batch, how to get back at some group for ruining your presentation the other day, .....and the list goes on.

To listen to all this and then hear to a complete different discussion on a different plane altogether sounds so fascinating. All these emotionless discussions of ours revolving around big bucks all the time sound so hollow somehow. We are everyday trying to develop ourselves in some way by going for a higher education which is good in someway but in the process I hope we are not mechanizing our emotions. I am just imagining what will happen when we are stuck with some big dream jobs ...leading a life in which 3/4^th time is spent at work ...will we have time for such attachments...how would that life be ...without any place and time to develop such emotions...completely hollow...do people realize ever it ever...or is it that they don’t even have time to realize it ...or do they conveniently term it as “what a waste of time” or “How ridiculous” and do away with it....And what will happen one day a few years down at the dining table on a lazy Sunday..will the discussions start with “when I was at work one day there this fellow who was such a rogue...he literally influenced the boss and got a promotion etc etc “..........will we ever have conversations on such small fascinating incidents...Are we all moulding ourselves to lead a hollow life...sigh!!

Who Care's.....

I look at some individuals and wonder at times how must these people be defining the word “feelings”....Do they ever feel for anyone...feel in the sense does it ever occur to them that if I said this or did this in what way would I affect the other individual...does this thot ever pass their subconscious mind...forget abt consciousness...but at the same time I don’t know why I appreciate this attitude also...I appreciate the way these individuals that total I-care-two-hoots attitude...it must be saving such a lot of their time and mental peace in not trying artificially to be nice or good to others...so much of their time is saved in not wondering if what they said or did did it make them get into the bad book of the other person...these newly coined words “attitude” , “maturity” , “practical” and “boldness” in our generation..I somehow do appreciate those people who have these qualities in them....I mean just imagine if all of us would just do what we feel is right not really caring abt what others think till we are within limits of not doing atrociously unthinkable deeds falling on the socially unacceptable parameters....say I don’t believe in performing 100 pujas or a simple thing like if I had non-veg I shouldn’t be visiting temple on that particular day...I mean why on earth my eating habit should be a constraint on me to not remember God on some day...let me visit the temple on any day I wish to...afterall I am visiting the temple to earn some mental peace so why these restrictions...why fast on puja days...how does me being hungry result in greater good...what is the logic to it...why shudn’t I just plain sit and pray to God the way I like without punishing myself by keeping myself hungry and why can’t that result in prosperity for urself and others....

I am glad a lot of these things are not being cared by the younger generation...yeah may be feelings are getting eroded away...may be all this has always been done to make the elderly feel the control and respect by us following their set rules and traditions...but it definitely results in saving on a lot of our mental peace. Half the time I had seen housewives in and around me gossip about every dog and cat too if they can spot one on the road at the time of their gossiping...and today’s generation doesn’t care a pence on how someone is leading his or her life...or what who had told them which was against them or not in their favour....simply put who cares there are thousand other things for me to bother about.

Sometimes I seriously think yes this technology intense generation of ours...ambitious blood...although criticized for having the maximum no. Of break ups and divorces are all definitely leading a better quality of life . I mean yeah, so why shudn’t there be a break up between two people not compatible and not happy...who cares what society thinks...finally its their mental peace which is at stake....

All this sounds so logical and practical to us when we take examples like these...but somewhere still there is a flaw...where can there be a flaw....something still seems wrong in this rationale......what can that be...

Could it be that isn’t the logical end to all this in someway is loneliness......estrangement....solitude. Will the generation tomm have a logic to defy this also...can this also be overcome with rationale...